It’s been one hell of a journey and that was before I had even started this 12 month endeavor of rebirth. My take away moment – I ended up in Heathrow in the middle of a global pandemic through choice.
What the fuck can I tell you 2020 has been one crazy ride and lots of people haven’t made it. The good, the bad, the ugly and even the brilliant. Last I checked David Attenborough and The Queen are still alive. Not that that is much of a list when we call into play white privilige. Is anybody else still having converstaions about it other than people of colour. Like seriously? George Floyd did not make it and he wasn’t even sick. Guess what our society is.
Maybe me most of all. I have bitten of way more than I can chew this year and I am still choking on what I have instigated. Somethings are more finished than others and in another year maybe I will be able to engage in a long period of self reflection. That isn’t now though. It’s reserved for these posts until then. Obvioulsy I can’t tell you everything. It’s a partical and a wave kind of thing. There is so much flowing to me and around me right now everyday is a selective channeling.
For this year alone, I have engaged in birth doula training, death doula training, celebrancy training, started a MRes in Human Geography and graduated as a Sangoma. I even got a new name Water Star (I’d been longing for one). A kaelidoscope of ideas are running through my being forming the rainbow bridge one step, one breath, one moment at a time. From zoom to whatapp my being is more full than it has ever has been as I expand ever more deeply into who I am. Ever more deeply into my purpose. I couldn’t be clearer it’s sytemic trauma, I’m a Trauma Doula and a Systemc Trauma Specialist. No they didn’t have a name for that in high school. In previous incarnations I might have been known as a witch or a cailleach. I probably prefer seer. I’m caught up on the meaning of all things. Though I now own a cauldron and that is a delightful thing to have.
I still dream of long nights in front of the fire and an empty head for reading books. Yet here I’m not in hiberation as I sit in the southern hemisphere. I long to be still and yet the world seems to be speeding every faster into a new age of magic and miracle. Where you get finished as the work gets done. If I was to untangle capitalism from within my being who might I be instead? I think that I have been here for quite sometime. I fell out of time a long time ago. I saw the world very differently from the edges and from within the void. I was voided for a long time. You’re expereince isn’t vald. If I put myself at the center of my own life for a while how would it be? Uninterrupted writing by the fire I think, isn’t that a dream. I wrote a book once… I fell in love. We are all just these transitory moments colliding together in the human field.
I’m still sitting with it, wondering who I might be. Who I might have become. I’m exactly everything I am supposed to be and changing daily. Embarking on the work of a generation. The real work , the work I cannot deny or ignore. The place where all my resoning has taken me. It all leads to systemic trauma.
In the meantime I have to remember what I love, what heals me. The trees. The birds. The garden. For myself I must find time for that. I must rest within it. This sacred Earth our Water Star.
Drink & Be Merry. They’ll be more holdays next year and the world spins.
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