Author: kimberleen

I am the only one of me in the world. However there is a chance my soul is shared.
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The Great Reset

kimberleen

Happy Chinese New Year, where does the time go? And the years only run faster as you get older. After all time is not linear as I sit here on this particular upward spiral of the current Kimberley incarnation.

The good news is that I am back in Observatory, Cape Town the bad news is that I don’t know how long for. There is no doubt it has been and interesting few years and my achievements far outway my misadventures, which seem to have been rather few for an unconsensual nomad. Except of course that I ended up in entirely the wrong country one early morning last year; it all worked out in the end, with surprising ease.

This year it seems I have come back to the start of my journey in an unexpected and complete full circle moment, living only three streets away from my old address. It’s been interesting to be back with some old faces and new venues, the pandemic certainly seems to have taken it’s toll here. So many businesses shut down it makes me glad of all the photos I have of the old Observatory that I first knew. Observatory now seems more transient that I first considered, then I ask the question; where in the world hasn’t undergone a radical shift in the last three years? Who in the world hasn’t undergone a radical change? The world is changing and we change with it. Life is change.

This year I start in the aftermath of my life choices trying to find a clear way forward. All I really know for sure is that I have four Trauma Doula Preparation Courses to run this year and whole load of admin to catch up on. The nomadic lifestyle probably seems fantabulous, exciting and liberating if you believe the social media slide show. The truth is I am exhausted and desperately in need of some radical rest combined with some high speed digital decluttering.

Of course I am supposed to be a source of wild inspirations and deep insight that going to get yout through the next twelve months cycle of everything that you ever wanted. You can achieve anything that you want to. You can be anything that you want to and as somebody who has managed to do ten years of work during a pandemic I can assure you that all things are possible. I’ve seen things that I could never have imagined and had experiences that have moved me beyond my wildest fantasies. When it all comes down to it I am still just me. I still have the same dreams and aspirations I always have. To have a good life, near the beach. It’s simple. Keep it simple. There is magic everywhere. Especially in Cape Town. It’s good to be home in the Mother City.

This article was written by a dyslexic with a punk attitude.

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How To Contribute To Planetary Shift

kimberleen

It’s all about frequency. In the case of the Cape Town water crisis that surrounded the frequency of visits to the bathroom. In your case, it’s probably not going to be that hard to master. Not drinking water in the middle of a drought. Think happy thoughts. Yeah, that’s a bit fucked up coming from a trauma-informed practitioner… Of course planetary shift isn’t all about positivity and solution-focused mentality. In fact, these days planetary shift for those of us willing to face terror face on is all about the climate emergency. Like other things you may think what has the climate emergency got to do with trauma? Where I have to invert the question, why do you think it doesn’t.

In fact much of what I do would say quite the oppostie. It’s time to dance with the shadow after all we a planet of contrast. Night, Day, Ocean, Land, Hot, Cold, Wet, Dry we live in a planetary space of polariastion and we have done for billions of years. Yes you and all your previous layers of evolution. It’s nothing to do with polarisation it’s about being able to accept the polarisation within you. I know you probably want to hear that contributing to planetary shift might be all about swimming with dolphins, meditating on mountains and of course running off to Bali. However what are you doing to feel better? That is all there is to it? What makes you feel good without increasing the Carbon footprint? (I truly do wonder for the world when I consider this (it’s really easy stop flying)).

What if you just sat down for a bit, without screen time, with the radio off and your phone deep underwater somewhere? What would happen then? How long would it take for someone to turn up at your door? Like seriously? Good experiment in a global pandemic. Have we got compassion fatigue yet? Fuck knows, it’s exhausting just maintaining our own space right now. By space I mean immediate space I mean in the physical realms. Brush your hair, make your bed, wash your clothes, stay sane that kind of thing. I managed to tidy my room today. That’s correct not the house. My room. That’s where I am at how about you?

You see we set our goals high (at least I do) and think that we can bring about planetary shift through a forced kind of militancy. Even if it’s just by holding our daily routines in place. We are told to dream big, aim higher or get out of our own way. Often. The last few years have been a roler coaster ride of what you should be doing for yourself, your community and for the planet. Including getting vaccianted and not questioning our right to bodily autonomy. In the next few weeks and years we will be encouraged to support Ukraine, the way we did Palestine, Syria, Libya, Iraq, Afghanistan when none fo those situations have been fully resolved to this day. Nor have the victims received the indepth trauma care required.

For over a decade now I’ve been watching Life Coaches, Spiritual Advisors and Gurus all dish out there advise as to what the meaning of life is. How to be happier? How to manage anxiety? How to identify high functioning depression? Explaining that addiction is emotional numbing. What I’ve learned? Is that most of these forms of personal development are directly related to how you participate in the capitalist system. What can you consume to make you feel better? Who knew that learning to breath properly is actually a chargeable product? You’d think someone would just help you breath? Especailly at a time were being able to breath is a critical life skill to tackle a respiratory virus. It appears not. Which leaves me personally with a lot of questions? Where is the collective human consciousness when we are charging people to improve their breathing. Just saying? How low have we sunk in our ability thrive if the most basic of human needs at the center of a global crisis still falls within the bounds of chargeable product? Very few coaches that I have encountered have ever truly got to the core of our human issues. Most of them are just tiptoing around healing fads to figure out how to profit. People might talk about slowing down for personal well-being without mentioning the benefits of local community living. People might talk about creating heartbased frequencies without explaining how to apply them in a practical level. How do we generate loving environments when our vibe is based on being handed the perfect coffee.

More than this how do we address the seemingly perverse approaches of most western societies to promote an experimental vaccine with unknown health risks over access to clean air, clean water, sufficient personal space and a healthy diet? We are told to breath in, the air is poisonous. We are told to control our thoughts when the world is playing mindgames. It’s hard to practice wellness and even safety in a word the practices harm withour consequences. We are told to maintain our frequency as disregulated light workers attempting to avoid pain. t’s hard to practice wellness and even safety in a world that practices harm without consequences. We live in a traumagenic world. Where each individual act that we take ripples outward with untold consequences, in unseen spaces that don’t apply to us. My current macbook (which I am using now) was created through exploitative extractive economies that benefit from human right violations. Yet I continue to use it and remain an Apple customer. I am complicit in the toxic systems that I attempt to disrupt.

I have often heard the wiccan wisdom “Do as you will and harm no one” As I travel through this life this simple suggestion for a living way forward is far more complex than many might imagine. After all “Salad is murder”. Never has this become more clear than with the growing interest in plant medicine and never has it been so misunderstood. The modern homo sapien thinks that plant medicine is a consumptive process that does not allow for the consent of the plant medicine. There has also grown to be an outsourcing of intution that goes with it. “My guides” strikes huge alarm bells from the get go. What guide exactly? I mean exactly? And are you sure that this isn’t the plant talking to you? You see going inwards can be an avoidence of what is, much like alcohol consumption or an over eager stoner.

I don’t think it’s any great news to explain that over the last eighteen months many of us have been going through a ‘shamanic’ breakthrough. Yes, the world is fucked. Yes, we all knew about it. Yes, we have all been complicit in it. Yes, everything is connected. No, that doesn’t mean you feel perpetual joy and wonder. Actually your ‘spiritual’ awakening is about becoming clear; you’ve got a shit tonne of work to do. Yes, you have a calling. Yes, that calling is to find your purpose. I know right? Who knew it was that simple? More than this you need to stick to your guns. Stay comitted, even when it is hard to stay motivated.

So really what I am saying is how about you combine you self-medicating with some community building. How do we do that? How do we contribute to planetary shift when so much of our world is dictated to us through the back rooms of power? I have to stay connected. Not online, out there in the ‘real’ world. Breath the air, clean the air you have. Drink the water, find your nearest fresh water supply is. Stand on the ground, find some a patch of earth that has a complete biome, that hasn’t been curated into being by some town planners idea of green space. When we begin to look at personal wellbeing indepthy we begin to appreciate that much of it is caught up in our living and working environments that are not designed to foster wellbeing either. We are beginning to realise that we cannot buy our way of a planet with finite resources. Nor can we avoid the consequences of living in a unified planetary field. The smoke of the Amazonian fires cross the atlantic and end up in southern Africa. Climatic changes that occur over the Atlantic, as a result, create hurricanes that wipe out the Southern States of the USA. Everything is connected. The dilusion that we have any control at all is a big one. Yet freakishly self-control is pimped as a superwork, when medical textbook might say the opposite, especially in relation to trauma.

Its easy to believe that planting a million trees is the way forward. Its also easy to get caught up in the well being or some poor unfortunately orangtuan. The things is what I know for sure is that whatever you think the problem is. It is never very far away. You don’t have to get on an intercontinental flight in order to make a difference. Begin where you are. Begin with yourself. You see so many of us are coming from a space of spiritual lack as much as physical lack. That we don’t know where to belong, what to stand for and more importantly who will stand with us. We only have to turn to Jerry McGuire to learn how little most people are moved by or inspired into change. Most of us are just looking for a safe base from which we can view tha madness. Until the madness comes for us. If you are reading this I trust that you are already all to aware of what a precarious point in humanity we exist in. This weeek alone I have heard of terms such as the end of civilisation, and the end of history as Vladimer Putin plays power games with his nuclear deterent. In such times many of us are asked to examine what really matters? We are asked to examing how we feel. And for many people that can look very different too.

In order to contribute to planetary shift we have to begin to appreciate that if it is about frequency. You get clear on what you want to create, whether it’s a clean room or a happy life. That means finding out what makes you happy is the most important part of that calling. More than this finding a team of people who are going to support you in that mission is paramount. Find your thing, then you’ll find your people. You need to have people that share in that dream that are working to create it. We cannot get there alone. I don’t know if you noticed it’s fucking crazy out there. Masks on, masks off, pandemic or plandeminc, anti-vaxers vs the anti-human, fake news vs your own inteliigence. Our whole world is being held in relief to be questioned, dismantled, weaponised and if needs be detonated. Lucky the UN have already outlawed nuclear weapons. Has anybody told Boris? The buzz word for the last year or two has been polarisation. It’s not something that I buy into.

Purpose and meaning are now touted as cure all approaches. Paolo Nutini to has been weighing on my mind “Nobody can give you the power to rise.” So that’s where the fuck are you in your life? Where do you want to be? Are we moving forward? And yet that may be part of it. However, is what are you doing making you feel better? That is all there is to it? What makes you feel good without increasing the Carbon footprint?

This article was written to accompany the Trauma Wise Circle by a dyslexic with a punk attitude.

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Visa Anxiety

kimberleen

Honestly, there are a million and one things to be fucked up about and I really think that we need to be far more accepting of this. More than this I wish people would fuck off with their breathing exercises from time to time. Sometimes we really do have a million and one reasons why we feel stuck or brain dead and out of it or my personal favourite brain fog. If there is anything that the last few years has taught me is that my mind is in full working order. All that overthinking must demonstrate something. Except of course the mind, the brain and the body hold some very different properties. In Today one of my more recent blog posts I talked about being a COVID refugee. I literally ended up hanging out in Namibia for nine months. In case you didn’t know already nine months is three months short of a year. It’s really long time to end up somewhere that you didn’t expect, writing a master’s, watching the death toll rise and trying not to figure out what to do next; other than stay sane. It’s a funny thing all those insidious thoughts that turn into a backdrop of feeling. It’s quite a thing really the backdrop of feeling that makes up our emotional landscapes and how sometimes they seem to entrap us. When really it’s just a pushed down unspoken about thoughts that seem to be controlling our world. Needless to say, I’ve added COVID Refugee to the list of books that I need to write.

It was an intense yet homely time in the desert. That played out like a beautiful groundhog day tapestry that you really had to live through. You see life in many ways could not have been more simple, more straightforward or even better catered for, it’s just that for obvious reasons I was stressed under pressure and to my realisation now, quite freaked out. It turns out much to my surprise that certainty offers quite a remarkable toolset for wellbeing. One that I wasn’t sure that I needed until now. It will come as no surprise to many of you that I live with quite high levels of uncertainty and have done for years. At least now my work is legally allowed. You think I’m kidding when I say that. What if I told you I am not. What if you have been working covertly for years? Few people get to truly understand what it is to be an immigrant and even worse a refugee. Someone with no connections and nowhere else to be. And what do we do we put out big girl panties on and do our best to full adult. It’s nothing less than terrifying to live such precarious situations where just one thing has to go wrong and your whole way of life is under threat. More than this that your life is under threat.

We live in interesting times. A pandemic, The fall of occupied Afghanistan and now this whole thing with Russia. Borders are very important things for reasons that few people want to talk about. Borders are about control and thus adversely about certainty. You see I see the world differently. I see the world through the lens of trauma. There were no fences in Southern Africa before Jan Van Riebeek arrived. That’s what the oral history says. Yet modern humans spend their time policing and creating borders, boundary lines and systems of control. Systems of control that have nothing to do with nature. Systems that are alien. I wonder sometimes what have we learned? What is the climate emergency here to teach us? As I watched South African sand become Nambian sand through a wire border fence. Who gets to decide who it belongs to or indeed why it has to belong to anybody at all? It gets me to thinking about territories. How far we can walk? How far do we need to travel in order to survive? It feels like we should be thinking about land very differently. I’m feeling about land very differently and why we need those one hundred and ninety-five stamps in our passport. What is that separates us other than an arbitrary colonialist line drawn straight across the desert?

This article was written by a dyslexic with a punk attitude.

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Just Start

kimberleen

It feels good to be here again. Writing. Writing what I want. Finding my way back to the blank screen only to find that it brings a refreshing calmness and healthy jolt that I have been away for a long time. WordPress has changed its layout again and I’m worried what challenges that might bring me in putting this article together. I really do wish I could have gotten to you sooner. It feels like a revisitation. However, I have been stuck. Stuck in an internal maelstrom for quite a while which has only just realised me to some slightly more gentle water rapids. The long and short answer is that I have been waiting on a visa as well as waiting on the opportunity to move. Even though I have been applying for visas in what is now close to a decade there are few that can describe the chronic anxiety of the state, that I have yet to master. So there it is my anxiety got the better of me and hopefully, that lets you off the hook too.

So I am here back in Mkhanda here to complete what I didn’t finish the first time around. I think really what has really spinning me out is how complex my life is as well as the work that I do. I wonder what you must all think as look at me going through this process which is my life that is all about trauma, when I can’t tell you exactly what I am working with because it is bound by confidentiality. Maybe at this point, I should probably be referring you to my other website which is also deeply neglected. Make you wonder why I have them at all if I am just going to ignore them. It makes me feel like an errand mother. However, that’s life sometimes we have to juggle. Something that seems negligible one week is critical the next as we attempt not to rock the boat from running from one task to another. That’s where my life has been at and although I have been very well looked after over the last several months, sometimes we just have to accept the innings we have and play from there.

Part of me wants to make promises or tell you what I will do next or even more about where I am in terms of work and who I am working with. the things is that belongs on the other website and maybe that just tells me where my next piece of writing should lead me.

This article was written by a dyslexic with a punk attitude.

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Today

kimberleen

Just for today, it feels like a powerful moment to interrupt the months-long silence for those of you that had been following or at the very least keeping an eye on this blog. To say hello! Do you remember me I exist and yes I am still out here working on the things that I had been consistently writing about in this blog? To be honest I am largely just a little disappointed that I was not able to keep up with the thing that I had to write and the format by which I had planned for this year to keep writing them. More than that that I dropped out of any kind of posting at all. I had managed to maintain quite a stint to be fair. Right now I am in Windhoek, Namibia, an exotic location I know. The reasons and answers of how did I get here are far too long, winding and existential than I will ever be able to explain here. What I can say is that for right now I am COVID refugee where I was once a love migrant and things are a lot better than they might read. I am very happy to be where I am. I am safe and I also feel safe. Which if you’ve been following my streams of thought for any length of time you will know is of the utmost importance to me as it should be. I have been here in, Namibia since the 18th of May 2021 will be here I imagine for several more weeks to come, which I am also happy about. The reason why I am telling you this is this means I will finally have time to catch up on content I needed and wanted to produce for this website and all you healing humans out there. However, there is no way around it, though I may be trauma-informed the contents of my head and the strategy for creating content here is currently far from organised in what I can only describe as a backwards-facing action plan.

I started today by using debt management as an analogy for how I feel about my life, my to-do list and cleaning up my mess. That you should pay off all the smallest debts first and dedicate the excess money it frees up towards the bigger debts. Even with this approach to tackling the to-do list it still feels overwhelming as I can’t figure out exactly where is the best place to focus my energy. Though I am very aware that I have significant debt (if not the biggest debt and thus deficit of attention owed) here. This is, to say the least anxiety-inducing as this work and you are both crucial to my path forward and the development of this work. So what the hell happened?

What I can tell you is that a Master of Research in Human Geography; Spaces, Politics & Ecologies has been struck off the list officially today. So I can now put some fancy letters behind my name. I’m now Kimberley K Stone BA Hons MRes. Pah! Just like that, I did it. I achieved a dream. The inconsistency here is the price I had to pay for it and I apologise for that. I do hope to do much better in the future and in fact, I am going to have to.

I always like to remind my readers that I too am traumatised and hope that it offers you some semblance of sanity, in this truly chaotic world. That we are all deeply flawed and what can be impossible to express is at these times totally understandable. ‘Netflix and chill’ has become shorthand for “I just can’t”. At least the entertainment seems to be of slightly better quality than other dystopian carnations. Where exactly do we go to escape from escapism? So yes they say consistency is key to anything and mostly everything that you want to be good at. That turning up is enough. So here I am turning up again. I’m sad I was away from home for so long but I’m here now I’m back and I’m always doing my best to show up, sometimes though, that isn’t always possible. Please forgive me

Yes, life after trauma can feel like time travel as we literally just try and get our shit together, whether that is mentally, emotionally or physically, never mind organised. When a trauma bomb has arrived it can feel like our whole bodies are wading through electric treacle that overstimulates, overwhelms and can leave us numb. It’s hard to find ourselves. Hard to feel ourselves. Hard to hear ourselves. And most often hardest to embody everything that we truly feel and would rather have or be instead. So I’m back to one day at a time while stuck in seventh gear.

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The Human Life

kimberleen

I wrote out notes for this talk well over three years ago and hadn’t put together that I should make a blog post out of these things. To be honest I can’t really remember what I was talking about. I suspect that it was something to do witht the human life span or even human life cycles hah I wonder if I still have the write up to do the facebook events…

I do and they’ve helped immensely. When I first was working on the marketing for The Life Doula I had the tagline ’embrace the seasons of life’. As someone with CPTSD I tell you I am talking about far greater life cycles than those of the widely accepted things more Dantes Inferno, The Divine Comedy and The Nine Circle of Heaven rather than that of Mother, Maiden and Crone. Life cycles in all their forms and nuances are critical to how we develop as humans. From conception to birth we are now beginning to understand that even the seemingly ‘invisible’ start of a new life can have major repercussions as to how our future will unfold. Given that I spend much of my time discussing childhood trauma we only have to watch your average shit television series to understand how our parental relationship through childhood can fuck you up for life.

It’s only a matter of common sense that you might want to consider what you want to manifest over the course of the rest of your life. No big deal right? Of course all the Life Coaches will tell you to write it down. Get clear on your goals and manifest what you want. That bit’s easy isn’t it? Big house, nice care, freedom to travel. The thing is if you are reading this blog. My blog you didn’t turn up here cause life is going well. Maybe is was a car crash, maybe it was the shit corporate job that you kept you replicating the same shit patterns or oh no…that relationship. You can spend your whole life going round in the same circle. Which is very profoundly different from cycling upwards into new possibilities. Do you know what those possibilities are? So many of us are caught in unsatisfying life cycles because we are limited by our own imaginations or even worse the expectations of other people. Fuck that.

Yes, it’s good to know what you want out of your future. Yes, it’s good that have dreams. What’s really amazing is if that looks totally different to everybody else around you.

I have to be honest here. I came to the game late. I haven’t achieved everything I hoped to. Yet at the same time I have achieved far more than I could have ever imagined. Simoultaniously my biggest challenges was getting onto my own path. What’s really interesting that the chaellges I had getting on to my own path were everything to do with systemic trauma. The coming to terms with systemic trauma has been a huge growth point in my figuring out what I want to bring to the world.

When I started The Life Doula five years ago now I literally didn’t have the language for what I do. Everybody was telling me to niche and I could barely find a way to describe trauma, let alone understand that is what I was dealing with. I was so unsure of myself. How could this be it when everyone else was just ploughing on, on getting people focused on their goals, even though most goals were destroying the planet. Anyways what I was saying back then in a very roundabout way is that your life is important. It has value way beyond that which you might have ascribed to it or even the people around you. Pay attention to it. You’ve got anything up to 125 years to do some really cool stuff. What’s stopping you?

This article was written to accompany the Trauma Wise Circle by a dyslexic with a punk attitude.

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A Fun Day Half-Writing Things

kimberleen

I’ve been struggling to write for a few months. The slow numbing of being non-creative brought brain fog and blocks. The brick wall of non-creativity turned into a mountain of boulders. As I tried to understand where my mojo had gone I was not doing too well. I had been incredibly consistent with my writing for over a year even under very trying circumstances. With high motivation to stay committed. Get things done and create ‘good’ content for you my clients and followers. Yet I just crumbled.

I’m sure I should probably be writing a backdated update for the end of 2020 right now. To create some kind of context for my creative commitment. Cause if you don’t follow my Instagram or Facebook you probably have no idea what is actually going on in my life. Cause you know I can be a bit cagy about telling the whole truth and rightly so. The main news is that I’ve been doing a Masters and I am working on my dissertation which is a lot less troubling to me than you might think.

I’ve got over 101 half written blog posts waiting to be published. I’ve just created about four more, with a poor attempt at tackling the backlog. My clarity isn’t shit hot at the moment and that makes it hard for me to move through the subjects I’ve outlined. Guess what? That means that there is something that needs to be healed there. This means I now have another blog post to write about the particular process. I’ve got timelines collapsing everywhere at the moment. Luckily last year someone explained to me that I only have to keep up. Who am I keeping up with exactly? I’m not sure I am capable of even keeping up with myself never mind the divine flow of the universe or the will of the ancestors. The thing is as well I don’t just crack out a lot of these ‘posts/articles/blogs/ there a process to create in and of themselves that involve and initial writing, an abandoning, a returning a revising and publishing. You see we think so many of these things are so easy. That we just wack it out without too much thinking. However, it isn’t as simple a that especially when your typing is poor and dyslexia has a huge role to play in how you present everything. The good news is that the crippling perfectionism and the imploding anxiety that accompany it are at bay… Though I’m getting a bit pissed of that Grammarly seems to be on strike from all my social media platforms, even though I just reinstalled it.

When I started writing keeping this blog ‘process’ as part of The Life Doula offering I promised myself that I wouldn’t restrict myself. That whatever I felt like writing I would and that no matter what I wrote as long as it was vaguely decipherable I would post it. That I wouldn’t force myself to make word counts or even have a subject matter that I would let whatever was pouring out of me fill the page conscious, unconscious, repetitive, boring and with lots of spelling mistakes. This was partial because I knew that ‘journaling or blogging kept me sane and that pressure killed me. So there we have it forced crystalline consciousness there as I have diligently wrote myself through many life crises without having to call to many people out in the process. These last few years I’ve been working thorugh themes and even writing my way through course I am creating as a way to multitask. It’s nice to be productive but I also need to be creative beyond forced labour. Of course I’m passionate abotu what I do. Sometimes it’s good to keep it mixed up a bit.

I swear it’s going to be an exhilarating series of books when it’s written. It’s just that now is not the time. What I have seen by totally neglecting my blog writing in a multiple way is that once again I have neglected my creative need. All work and no play makes Kimberley a very dull girl. Indeed that is where I have been at for several months. I literally replied to an email from a very old and good friend with thanks, I’m busy. It’s a bit fucked up, isn’t it? While I have forced myself through the last few months with a very clear mantra. I want to be left alone. I want to be left afuckinglone.

The truth is I want to be left alone to think feel and write, to explore to plan and to find away forward that supports and liberates me and overworking is not part of that. Some how even after years of self management my people pleasing gets in the way. No I can’t do that seems to be at the center of my periodical collapse. So here I am back at the center worshiping at the altar that is me. Wanting to know what do a truly need this time round to sustain myself. The quick answer to that right now if a finished masters; a complete disseration. It might feel like this is distraction therapy when actually it is something far better it’s nurturance. So I’m sorry if I let you down with my inconsitant writing habit I was doing my best to find my way back to me.

What I have also found interesting is that becasue I have stopped posting to my blog that my viewer numbers have collpased. I wonder what it means when I felt I creating so much value. I really am learning that valuing yourself is the key to being valued. Just like that I hit the 500 word limit.

I need to keep it moving…

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Miracle Humans

kimberleen

Yes, you are a little bundle of miracle consciousness to love and cherish all for yourself. How nice is that? Are you now filled with warm fuzzy feelings of love and joy? Truly you are miraculous. There is a ridiculous sequence of numbers required to examine exactly how miraculous you are. So much so that it seems a bit tiresome to write them here. It’s a number so big you might barely pronounce it. It wouldn’t occur anywhere else and yet you are here. Here living your best life but only if you choose to. The chances of you being born, alone are one in 400 trillion. This doesn’t include the chances of you actually making it into adulthood. You see you are doing great.

You may not be aware but a number of factors had to come together beautifully in order for you to exist. It’s not just a matter of boy meets girl. It’s a matter of boy meets girl back to the start of human evolution and all the mammalian incarnations before that. Oxygen creation and a life-supporting environment had to happen a very long time before we even get to the pinnacle moment of sperm meets egg not to mention making it out the womb.

Before you even arrived here in this consciousness you had already been on such an epic adventure. From the creation of genes, all the way down to your DNA everything within your body has been passed on through the aeons to create you. Your mother may even been dreaming of your creation and existence from her own childhood. You have been called into this life in so many profoundly intentional ways that I personally and very grateful to have you there.

In recent years I personally have been deligating a lot of wondrous things to the universe. You know like human carrying ethical solar-powered electric drones. As I get onto that wavelength even now I know the perfect human has to be created to fulfil that task. If I trust that the universe is continually working on evolutionary consciousness I have to believe that every single human on this planet holds value. That you are the very latest creation at the cutting edge of evolution, that you are one mightily advance being.

Maybe you don’t believe me. Maybe you caught in a depressive cycle or maybe frozen in anxiety that either one you can’t see out of? Yes, the world is toxic, dangerous, crazy and destructive. However, evolution is pushed for by the slow persistent push of I think I can.

You have three different forms of brain. Imagine that human beings have been through such an extensive process of evolution that we have had to develop three different times of brain. No wonder we get confused sometimes? If you can grow a new brain well it else can you do? Sometimes the subtle achievements are the best. Just think how many humans had to collective change their behaviour to grow new brains?

You see we take it for granted that we exist. It’s a strange perspective really when we look at the world and see what is happening. Even more so we get depressed about the past and anxious about the future. We regret what has happened and what we have inherited. We berate and degrade ourselves in internal backchat. Yet on the most profound level, your existence is a miracle even with 8 billion of us on the planet. We think that we aren’t important or that we have no value. If you look at the long line of events that resulted in your creation, you’ve got to feel very lucky indeed.

Value what you have. It is certainly true of my journey that much of my challenge in life has been appreciating my own value. Sometimes this can be a very hard thing to do. When we don’t feel seen, heard or valued. Of course, there’s a lot more to it than that. Attachment theory…

If you are striking out into a new life, breaking the bondage of intergenerational trauma then it is clear, you got to find a way to build yourself up and create a new way of being. You are a miracle and if you’ve been getting through some tough shit without support that makes you very very special indeed.

This article was written to accompany the Trauma Wise Circle by a dyslexic with a punk attitude.

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Leave That Shit Behind

kimberleen

I just wrote a wee post on instagram about this. As I actually considered the future of this blog. I was so committed at the beginng of this year to staying on top of everything when a few months ago I had to allow my work schedule to collapse for my own mental health it was a bit wild. As I sit here writing this I still have to evaluate exactly how it it is that my mental and emotional health can so easily eclipse my productivity. That even though I am a ‘trauma specialist’ or even a ‘trauma doula’ I still get caught up in some pretty destructive life cycles. Which in all seriousness will take several books to explain and that you probably deserve to read.

One thing that I can absolutely assure you of is that I have had a very interesting life. I’m also incredibly proud of that fact too. In the run up to this year’s winter solstice (in the southern hemisphere) is that the unconscious shadow has a huge influence on our lives (no shit sherlock). I know it hardly news is it. It’s also funny as I move through life how many terms I find for the same thing. I mean the unconscious shadow it’s literally the subconscious right? That means that we are unconscious of what is lurking in our psychic field. Depending on how aware we are of our own preferences, behaviours and beliefs we ,can also hold a lot of postive stuff in the subconscious too. You know like, the things we like to do when we aren’t being forced to work in shitty jobs. Or even better the things that bring us joy. Many of us have been entrained to believe that the things that we like, hold no value. It simply isn’t true. If it’s of value to you it is something that you should strive to create more of. The unconscious shadow is the unknown fear that drives you and I’m beginning to learn that it’s a very interesting thing. That the greater our progression through our healing journey the greater our shadow manifests. That actually love and light is a toxic deafening of some of our very real concerns. Unless we learn to listen to ourselves deeply we often repress and project what we feel unconsciously out into the world. That we attract the shadow to ourselves to be continually healed.

What I appreciate now is that much of what I have been trying to write about from my past life is old news for me now. It isn’t keeping me inspired even if it is crucial to what I want to teach. So how is it that my motivation collapsed and my anxiety exploded? When it’s simply a matter of getting shit down. I think it was the idea of having to revisit the same old shit. Of course I’m not meant to say that. It’s like saying what I have to offer is shit, boring, old but then again that is only to me. You see it’s taken me years to figure a lot of shit out and we are constantly evolving and groing. We forget how much we have had to learn to get to where we are. So maybe this is an opportuntiy to reflect on how far we’ve come, what I have learned and how much more I have to give rather than bearate myself for having writers block, being bored and stuck.

Just like that my commitment to this blog is back. It’s in writing that I find my solutions. The passion for what I am doing and creating and the clarity as to how I want to move forward. you see sometime I wonder how would it feel to wake up with a clean slate everyday. As I wonder about people who have had full time jobs all there lives, the things that they have been forced to achieve through consistancy and persistence. Sometime I think that these are qualities that I lack. I only have the pressure of my own conscious to keep me going. If I am out of alignment, have lost my inspiration or purpose it is hard to keep going. I often wonder where my writing is leading me. When actually it is always leading me back to my self . That writing gives me the clean slate that I deserve. That it cleans up the mess of my mind, You see to express somethign fully is a form of trauma healing. Writing is a way to be heard when nobody else is listening. Which leads me to another story.

This article was written by a dyslexic with a punk attitude.

If you enjoyed reading this article I would be delighted if you can buy me a ko-fi here.

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Collective Shadow

kimberleen

I’m writing this right befor the the June 10th Eclipse in Gemini and doing some deep soul digging into my own toxic patterns, soul beliefs, and disruptive behaviours. I’ve been wearing my pyjamas for thress day and trying to figure out the best time to strip my bed and do the laundry. It’s not glamourous the Collective Shadow. I’ve spent last night in long conversation about the strange deep nuanced patternings of realtionships. Maybe your thinking here we go. We are drifiting into the uncontainable field of personal relationships. Which might feel too mediocre for words. However if you’ve gotten tot grips with the universe and it’s foible you may probably laready know that realationship of every kind is at the very heart of it’s expansive nature, and for us its human participants our teaching and learning.

Our Collective Shadow sits in our realtionship with ourselves and with our relationship with others. Here’s the next thing if it’s not a problem it isn’t. It’s your judgement of the issure that makes it a problem. I know it’s intense. I sit here with this wondering where my three day pyjama stint is leading me and if I really am as happy with my personal state of affairs as I might present… maybe it’s time to sort that out. I’ve brushed my hair.

The thing is when I write about trauma I’m not in the habit of hiding my shadow self. For sure there are things that I don’t necessarily want to make public becasue we all have the right to process things privately. Yet at the same time what do we do when the collective shadow is that exactly the things that we don’t want to process publicly? It may be one thing to apply this wisdom to personal relationships or indeed your private life. However what we have been dealing with over the last few millenia of this is that families, institutes and governments do the same thing too, even when the decsions the make and behaviour they support perpetuate immense human suffering. Its considered best to keep things private sweep things under the carpet and move on. Of course within this strategy is the hope that by giving an individual or and orgnisation some space that it might offer them some redemption. A place in which to redeem themselves. What is it exactly that we are redeeming ourselves from…now that is a big question?

Even over the last few days I have been exploring my own value system and cleaning up my priorties. In essence to understand where my priorties lie in terms of approach and within that learning how I am truly embodying those values? It seems as you might expect form the collective shadow I still have a lot of work to do. You see the real sticky point of the collective shadow and indeed personal relatiosnhip in the concept of both consent and sovereignty of which the shadow is control. It’s no lie when we say that it’s a big thing to unpack.

You see much of what we do and how we interact is based on this idea that we need to have control. In order to have control we need to have rules. The thing is that as adults and very often also as children we come to a very clear understanding that most of life doesn’t operate within the rules. What’s most interesting is that in fact much of the things that are supposed to be rules are what cause us such collective pain. For example there is no law that says your parents have to love you. Fucked up but true. It’s a best case scenario. When we begin to understand these things on a meta level we begin to appreciate that at best pop culture gives us guidelines for a good quailty of life. The irony is of course that unless we test the guidelines we don’t learn our own sense of self and boundaries. Even worse it that if we never break the rules we don’t learn their value. So even though as a society we might foster rules in order to gain some control over society behaviour, they don’t hold any value unless people are allowed to learn from them themseves.

Evil cersi Ivor in Jordan Petersen – unconsciousness.

This article was written by a dyslexic with a punk attitude to accompany Feral Systemic Healing Circle.

If you enjoyed reading this article I would be delighted if you can buy me a ko-fi here.