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Glo Cal

This should officially be a thing by now after The Great Pause.

Think Global Act Local. Do you remember when this little nugget hit the scene? I knew it back then as well as anybody. Stop getting on flights. Stop trying to save people and start folding your underwear. Yup it was time back then to get deep down and dirty with the minutia. Even now after all these blog posts I still haven’t figured it out how to be me in a Glo Cal way. That’s what life on the road will bring you a huge of amount of clarity and single mindedness accompanied be a huge sense of confusion when it comes to Glo Cal. What if picking a place or a people is just not your thing? What do you do then?

Do we develop communities purely on the basis of consumption rather than contribution? I’m still figuring this out as I step into the acceptance that I am a law unto myself. How often in this life is there the perceived right thing to do and then there is what we actually do? How these things are so utterly different from one another? How the human souls plays it part? What specifically am I creating as my life seems to endless fall through space, time and people straight back to little old me? What is it about me that makes it so difficult to stay? What about me seems to feel like it’s in denial about reality? In the last few weeks I may have begun to accept that there is no Shangri La and I might have been spirtitualy bypassing myself for a very long time? That I always believe that it might be better somewhere else. That somewhere on Earth. Yes Earth not Water we might find a group of people collective living in harmony. As I dig into the bowels fo what it is to be human I see that there is no such thing. Maybe I’ve know that for a long time. Maybe I’ve understood it in moments too. Now I think I might have to finally accepted it. That there is no place better or worse, there is just here. You see I’m always wondering what staying might achieve and what leaving teaches? Why for me leaving is so important? Like it’s my last chance of soveriengty. I think I might have finally go tho a point where I am done arguing with people. Like done. If you are still consuming Proctor & Gamble products after all this time, good. Let me buy you all the Pringles and Sunny D you can eat and move on. If you get into a car and never stop to consider the impact that it is having on your immediate air quality who am I to tell you? If you don’t watch the news and put all your energy into making crochet bunny rabbit with no care for the global story why should I advise you other wise. You see  ‘intellectuals’ like our talking shops. We like to slowly ponder and evaluate every little detail of our mundane lives in never ending name of progress. It’s only now that we fully appreciate where progress has taken us. wWhen we are not satisfied with our lot. When the likes and dislikes aren’t counted and our ungratefulness takes us on a a downward spiral.

They say that change comes whether we like it or not. All I can say is that I am inclined to believe in that. I wonder sometimes how we can master fate. How ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ turns out to be a endless game of will and surrender. We all have free will apparently. Yet out tiny massive choices seem to suggest otherwise. That we are caught in the systemic. That the coltan in my computer is excusable at the behest of the system. I remember Dom working on extracting minerals electronics years ago. I wonder now how far he got? You see it’s not just about the break down of the system and even the planet. It really is a breakdown in society. Where the mission becomes greater than interpersonal relationships and fulfilment. About who’s needs do we serve first?

Earlier this year I wrote about being a changemaker. Where I was with that. How that personal archetype had emerged from trauma. Now I realise the need for change is as much to do with trauma as anything else. It’s a non-accpetance of what is. I wonder how that works sometimes.

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Environmental Activists

Sometimes I wonder if this is really all I was every meant to be. After all I was the first Girl Guide in my pack to get her conservationist badge. I wonder how my life might have been if I went for the obvious choice. I mean after all way back in the mid-nineties global warming, the ozone layer and pollution in all it’s many forms was all anybody was every talking about.

You see we live in a beautiful world and I suppose as much as I care about the environment what really distresses me is the destruction of beauty. I’ve often taken a long look at society and wondered what people value when they decide to destroy something beautiful? For so many of us our environment is what nurtures and comforts us. Whether it be our human relationships or the place that we live, our village, neighbourhood, our community. As I deep delve further and further into what it means to be human I wonder how landscapes and human relationships inform us. That’s probably a really good reason to be studying human geography right now. It’s a fascinating understanding of how the world interacts with itself (even if it is overly academic). You see we can’t separate the human from it’s environment, no matter how hard Elon Mush tries to get us to Mars. Besides Earth is beautiful.

This thing is though when we look at the world from a human perspective even the name of the planet is wrong. I am sure that I have said this before. Our planet should be called Water. I wonder who it was that decided that it should be called Earth? Who all voted on that? Every so often I like to get lost in Wikipedia and I think the closest I’ve ever got to an origin story for the name Earth is Terra (I can see some decolonisation happening there). The latin for ground. It makes me think hard feel hard and in fact it make me feel quite masculine. All this when we talk about Mother Earth. You see nothing moves without water. The oceans don’t move. The skies don’t change. The plants don’t grown and in fact everything dies. Too much water washes, drowns and swamps. Yet as humans we have learned to live almost anywhere. When actually if you think about it our greatest challenge is always water based. Just the other day I was musing about how someone from off planet might try to describe life on Earth. That we have massive water storms that move across the planet and fizzle out on land. That the coast are usually very wet. That dust storms and these days fire storms shouldn’t be that common. That the rainy season and snow can be seasonal if we bothered to get with the programmes and stop the idea of endless summer. Things can’t be good all the time. Yet here we are.

Dust storm sand fire storms upset me, as our weather systems become more volatile. I wonder still why isn’t out planet called Water. More than this I wonder what other names she goes by other than Gaia? There can’t on be two names for our planet? Yet they are the only ones I know. Then I wonder why is that? We might know all the varietas names of god, or even the gods, without knowing the names of the Earth. There is something suspect in that I am sure. That we seem to always be looking outwards in our need for answers. That somehow we all seem to acknowledge that something beyond us is in charge of the story. What has all this got to do with Environmental Activism? It’s a good question. Over the last year or so I’ve been caught up in a story of Earth worship. Hmm is this opposed to Water worship I wonder? I’ve been asking big question about culture beyond the interconnectivity of all beings. Where I’ve been left triggered about ideas of Beltane and Ibolic. Wondering what the fuck is all that about? In fact wondering how dissociated people are about the realties of human existence. That maybe we should be delving much deeper into nature worship rather than Earth worship and that nature should include human behaviour. After all it is very telling. You see as I find myself once again advocating for the value of christian history. I wonder why people become so fixated with the ideas of desecrating what was and in fact what is? More than this why they are so committed to devaluing of their own ancestry. After all few of us can state that we grew up with a family of Pagans, Druid or Wiccans. Why is that? I wonder if maybe our anscestors were smarter than we like to think, that in fact maybe they were subversive. Can you imagine such a thing. All that human history being deliberately integrated and assimilated into a power as mighty as the Catholic Church or indeed a kingdom that was intended to subsume the power of the individual. A community or even a belief. You see our land rituals live on. Our sacred places live on. It’s the ways in which we desecrate ourselves that give us the final say on what we value.

Lately I’ve been sitting a lot with plant medicine and for sure it feels like a craze at the moment. Like that party you went to where someone downed a bottle of absyth for fun. Even now I am amazed that alcohol is demonised in the ways that it is by the holistic community. When it’s true most of us would have died without it. Even though we know if we drink enough of it it will create hallucium tremors. So still why is that we are all caught up in the hulllcianagen than the collective delusion? All these plant activists driving plant consumption as a way of disconnecting.

Anyways it seems like I have gone way off topic or have I. What are we consuming and why? What is consuming me and why? What if I just sit still and think about it for a bit. Even in my last blog post I talked about the art of in-action. I’ve been feeling a lot into that too. I have to swim ever more deeply into alignment with the idea of purpose. It feels to me that I have to be ever more steady with my hand on the tiller if I am ever to arrive where I think I might belong. You see the wind will catch you. We get blown up into a terrible panic and waylaid in places that we never intended to. As I fall ever deeper into my activism journey and my understanding of what it is to be Enviro-Mental I see that my immediate environment has to increasingly inform me. That more than this without listening and hearing one another how can we ever impact and deeper our understanding of that? What are we listening to and why? What are we creating and why? What are we acting on and why. Yet at the same time there is so much work to do it’s hard to know where to begin and how it finish. You guessed it Environmental Activism is part of the systemic. All we can ever do is keep returning to self.

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Ok so this isn’t a very kind post as it’s intended to draw highlight the realtionship between mental and emotional health and activists. That sometimes activism stems from trauma. It also is why much of my adult I’ve argued for in-action rather than direct action. What within us fuels us to take action and why.?

I had no idea when I posed this blog title that I would be sitting at Jazz Farm at the center of the Cannabis liberation movement in South Africa when I wrote this. I really couldn’t have been sititng anywhere better to write this. It’s rare that I get the opportunity to test out my theories on trauma and activism. So it’s been a real delight to be able to sit down and discuss them.

Globally as we face the 6th mass extinction there is plenty of work to do around any form of environmentlism. Nevermind the idea that we might actually have to advocate for the human soul. That within the collective consciousness militant actvism keeps many people out of the loop of what is really going on here on planet Earth.

This morning what has been blown my mind is my new very real understanding of legal geographies. How who writes the law benefits often from it. That the law is not automatically fair, just or even informed by the right of the people. Further more what’s been really fascintating is hearing about the volume of ongoing unlawful arrests and prosecutions of cannibis user in South Africa post Cannabis decriminalisation. As well as the trauma that unlawful arrest and prosecustion causes in the wider community. Also drugs laws pose huge questions about who gets to decide what we get to put into our bodies. I’m not sure why that is anybodies business other than our own? How can the consumption of any green plant be deemed illegal for whatever ends?

Anways what has been great (even though I am writing about trauma) is that my new activist friends would agree that much of their call into activism has been fuelled by trauma. In fact for many the journey into activism was a journey out of the systemic trauma of corporate life. That activism offered a more meaningful and fulfilling life path.

It’s clear from the the converstation this morning that trauma has a lot to do with activism. That going by group conscencis that trauma transference in inherent with activism. That truama healing should be central to activist approaches. What’s been really heartening sitting here is listening to community approaches to trauma. That trauma aware activist communities certainly have a role to play in large scale trauma healing. That if we develop the skills to heal each other there is not much that can’t be healed in the world.

I started this year (you know the one 2020) getting involved with Extinction Rebellion and their sign off really engagaged my with the honouring of the collective shadow. With Love & Rage – what a beautiful sign off for today.

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It’s hard to imagine that there are people out there that aren’t actually humanitarians. Humanitarians value human life in all its forms and persuasions. Isn’t it interesting that we actually have a word for being friendly towards our own species. You see you a super high functioning human being if you take this kind of approach for granted. That we expect humans to be nice to each other. To be mindful, caring, considerate and even resourceful? That we value another human based on their behaviour, their resources and even their adaptability. Most of us a laced with prejudices about worthiness even if it’s just our own. That somehow our humans comes down to a tick list. That goodness has to be imbibed in order for us to be deserving or worthy. If we believe that about our self we almost certainly believe that about others. More than this we have to be super careful about our default programming.

That’s the thing it’s nice to be nice. Who are we really doing it for? The idea of people pleasing seems to have become somewhat of a cultural phenomenon over the last few years. Where people now list as a character flaw and go about there day trying to find the fine line between boundaried and bitchy. It’s a lot more difficult than you might imagine. More recently in the work that I do more and more (and especially from my middle class clients) the word performative to roll of the tongue like the epistemic language that it is. That your just doing that to make me like you. I’m just doing it for approval. It’s been a shocking revelation to many. That their whole careers were built on the idea of box ticking or getting parental approval. That a degree or Phd might afford them the sort of love that they desire. More importantly that a humanitarian aid mission might buy them the societal cud’s that they crave. With the intoxicating mix of personal freedom, expansive expression and trauma displacement who could blame you.

You see I don’t believe that the ‘third world’ needs to be saved. Our that I have any responsibility to right the wrongs of the past. ‘Even God can’t change the past’ Yet here we are projecting ideas of development on communities that have been living in harmony with the environments with millenias and due to some modernest perversion of progress we think that everybody needs what we need in order to have a good life. Maybe I’m being romantic, or naive. Maybe this is triggering for you? I don’t really care I’ve been on the end of both sides of this argument to many times from me to be able to hold space for it anymore. Increasingly my work seems to be rectify the trauma transference of the white man. That the idea of having to fix the real visceral unsanitised version of life that is rolling out across the globe is ultimately and in ability to be present with out emotions. An inability to be present with our own feeling and the inability to connect with the high charged spaces that we have to embody as a fully engaged human. That the thing death is real, pain is real, suffering is real, decay is real and in fact trauma is real. Yet we are off on the adrenaline pumping search for ourselves that keeps our true selves hidden from our nearest and dearest.

You see if you are off on a mission to save the world, the question really is what are you trying to save yourself from. What keep s you awak at night and why? Why is pleasing you parents more important that healing the wound. If pleasing your parents or society is more important than following the dream of who your really are then it’s time to take a deep pause.

So much of my work revolves round the peeling back the layers of programmed dysfunction. I’m sad to say it is rare to find people living their passion or even in alignment with where they’re true talent lies. What I know for sure is that much of the ability we have to find ourselves lives deep in the core of our family origins. If you can’t share who you really are, being yourself isn’t safe and unsafe environments are normal for us.

Far from being mundane the your suburban life might be highly toxic and in fact harmful. I know, as I’ve said many time now over and over again. Our problems are systemic and however you are, where ever you are, the system is you.

If you aren’t being kind to yourself what right do you have to enforce kindness on other. Clearly there is a lot of projection in this. Not least because I’m at the beginning of an MRes in Human Geography. Assesses the trauma landscape inwardly and outwardly.

Humantitarians are ultimately human friendly are they not? What a thing to make living from #yourevaluable. What if we really were really pro human? And what exactly does that look like in an anti-human system? You see where our challenge lies is that some how somewhere we believe that the the current system that we operate in is pro-human. If you believe that how do you embody the humanitarian daily.

I figured out a long time ago that thre real key to world change is healing humans. It’s a lot more complicated than you might think. Not least because it means centering planetary healing around ourselves. It’s a radical idea right?

I’ll leave you with it.

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There Are Humans Near You

Seriously, don’t pick up your back pack just yet in search of warmer climes. You might want to check out Persoanl Activism, Heal Yourself First  before you head off in search of the adrenaline you need to feed you Brain Trauma. Remember You Are The System. Air Fairs cost more than just money. It’s All Connected. You might want to check out the video footage of Greate Thurnburg crossing the Atlantic. She’s only 16. How old are you?  It’s all about logic in the age of Aquarian age. Get out there back on the water if you need to. Maybe find some Otters before you start noising up some tribes people. Check out nowhite saviours and get to grips with the idea of human dignity befoer you start shuving your trauma around. Don’t you want to learn a language? Master an instument? befoer you attempt ‘Africa’ anyway.

This said I did just that a few weeks ago. Jumped on a flight on the basis of a job offer and hear I am covered in red clay wondering how well am I decolonising? Like it’s a game full of points.

Following on from my previous two post about the Diasporas and specifically the European diaspora. I was really just feathering the bed for a little known thing called white saviourism. Which is a kind of weird fetishisation by white middle class people of the ‘poverty stricken’ global south  with a particular preference for brown or black bodies. It’s a bit sickening really, as I sit here a white woman in South Africa with absolutely no interest in the plight of an unidentified demographic who have zero interest in my world view. How do I know this? Because I was not invited, I was not asked nor was I consulted for my opinion on either a personal or professional level. I have absolutely no right whatsoeverever none to decide what is best for another person or community. I know it’s pretty fucking radical .

I have met few global activist and indeed humanitarians in the global south that were able to put the needs of the community that they supposedly serve over their needs to earn a living, and/or serve the interests of the organisation that they work for. You see the potentialistation of the funding machine is all most organisations care about over and above their non-willing participants.

It’s actually pretty mental. Before you jump on a plan and start trying to ‘fix’ and even understand the Global South or in fact anybody ask yourself exactly why you are doing it? If it’s to avoid the humdrum monotony of your day to day life don’t do it. You see there is plenty of work to be done wherever you are. Global poverty is a long way from being illuminated and in Britain 1 in 4 children are going hungry. Child poverty has not disappeared from the west. Yet there are many of us swanning around in the global south looking to ‘fix’ problems that are absolutely non of our business yet there we are. There I am. Here I am clearing up other peoples mess rather than fixing my own. Is that true?

Anyways the the whole point is there are humans near you. There are humans near you that are desperately in need of help. Maybe it’s a single mum who needs a baby sitter, maybe it’s an abuse victim that needs the compassionate ear of an unattached stranger. A homeless person that needs a hot cup of tea and hug. It’s not rocket science, nor is it glamorous. It’s real. It’s a deep down and dirty real that can’t be walked away from.

You see is easy to pick up someone else’s struggle and put it down again when you visa has run out. It easy to see how painful and true the world can be and have the ability to walk away from it. All in order to get your gratitude hit. I’m so grateful. I didn’t realise how much I had. How do people survive with so little? That even though life can be hard we can still find joy in the small things #blessed.

Couldn’t you have learned that from the high school friend that was on welfare, or if you are really posh at school on scholarship? Like seriously if 1 and 4 kids are experiencing child poverty where is your local commitment to that? Why would you want that in your street, the school your kids go to, the town or the country you live in. Yet there we are bouncing all over the place pretending we have a gracious heart when we are actually getting all doped up on sunshine and adventure. I mean sure go on the adventure but don’t kid yourself that it has anything to do with helping people. When it actually has more to do with finding yourself. You see here is the secret you only every really find yourself in relation to others. That the biggest part of the human journey.

The greatest part of healing to is having someone who always believes in you. A secure attachment that makes things bearable. That’s why I’m a trauma doula. You see I’d like you to believe that this an unbalanced and completely biased piece of writing with no basis in fact what so ever. Just an opinion piece with no real significance or academic value. You see these are the structures that we should be dismantling. Taking what I need from a broken system still makes me complicit in it. Treating humans as stepping stone on your career path is not ok. Nor is it acceptable to believe that being there to help is ample justification to profiteer from somebody else’s poverty.

Why am I such a great advocate for starting local? The environment scilly. You see we, and yes I include myself in this are impacting climate change by flying.

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European Diaspora

So write now I am the European Diaspora. I’m writing this in South Africa the place I have lived for several years now and all the white privilege that that comes from. It’s a complicated story based on being a love migrant. that we don’t choose who we fall in love with and at some point within the foreign loveliest you have decide on a place to stay even if it is just for the short term. It’s an age old story that spans the whole of human history everyone needs to leave the village at some point. If only to attend a wedding else where. I think you get my drift.

Anyways beyond that life choice the idea of Diaspora has always fascinated me. Where do you belong? Who do you belong to? Where do you belong to? Does that place belong to you? Having just started an MRes in Human Geography I can assure you the answer to these question are getting more complicated rather than less. Yet at the same time experience has taught me that trauma holds the answer too much for these questions.

What fascinates me most currently is the European Diaspora probably with a more focused interest in the Scottish. However the European and the Scottish Diaspora seem to be bound together in a strange patterning that inform the world right now. That trauma displaces people, land trauma, relational trauma it doesn’t matter specifically which trauma. Trauma is trauma.

What I see now and in ways that astound me, to this moment, is the ways in which systemic trauma continue to inform the European diaspora. That ideas of whiteness can even exist in a reconcilliary culture. I fully accept the existence of whiteness. It’s more the origin of whitenesses being that I am concerned about. Where exaclty does it come from? For me whiteness seems to be caught up in the enclosures act and the highland clearences. How these parables inform and create the tragectory for a white colonialist agenda and why land appropriation became much a significant part of global domination by the British Empire. That imperialism has always been caught up with corporations and capitalism. Even now as we begin to appreciate the ideas neo-colonialism and the continued harm of extractive economies do we fully appreciate the impacts of the The European Diaspora on both indigent cultures, ecologies and the planet.

Even now the new European diaspora has a lot to answer for especially in relation to the Global South. Where western ideologies of progress and science do much to inflict harm on communites globally. Dictating that well-being and wealth are irristricably linked with our understanding the full scope of wellbeing beyond the monetary. Consumption based living does not equal wellness as we must also be very careful to appreciate that in the west our world view is limited and that travel in and of itself is consumptive. We often pose solutions to problems that only exist in our mind. Coming from a place where traditional family systems have been largely broken down and replace with the due care of the welfare state.

Anyways my big question is when did whiteness become trauma transference and why are we still doing it?

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What is a Diaspora?

Hmmm it’s a big word with an ever more complicated meaning. It’s a generalise word for an immigrant or even refugee population. Here’s the crux though it doesn’t apply to a specific population, demographic and can even apply to events. The Diaspora of WW2 Jews might be an example. You see it also applies to those in exile. It’s something that can often be very difficult for us to imagine. A life in exile. Many of us do it. In fact “Right to Movement” Is even a human right. Yet you wouldn’t think it with all the borders all over the place, that are a highly anti-human construct. You wouldn’t think that if you were Palestinian or even Syrian. Border control seems to high up there with Land Trauma as a place where authority over an imagined line has the power make, brake and even kill people. Borders are where power is highly corruptable more than this where corrupted power has its way with the vulnerable, the destitute and the throughly weary.

Anyways I’ve been interested in diasporas for a while. I might have been interested in Land Trauma a little longer, though I hadn’t fully made the connection as to how they were so fully connected. Land desecration and the bad development have haunted me for years and yet I still wonder am I guided by the spirit or the wound with this one. Where consumption is real just a route back to the feeling of oneness you get while watching butterflies. Why are diasporas important to me? Because they are so intangible and leave so many of us lost. They are the reason for that I frequently come back to this thing I keep banging on about Systemic Trauma and at a more base level trauma. Which is both systemic and relational. The systemic feeds the realtional, just as the personal is the planetary.

People move all the time if we take it at its base level it might just be to the next street because you have a family of your own. Maybe it’s to pursue your passion or even find work and less romantically a means to survive. The whole of human history is coded with the idea of the diaspora that humans have forever been on the move. That we can rarely go back to where we have come from like the hands that move time. Yet it seems to be a long standing fallacy that we might. Was Jesus born under a wandering star on the way back to his ‘father’s’ homeland. Yet here we all are trying to find home with the sense of belonging that it might afford us. It feel to me that the only thing that we can ever truly belong to is ourselves and that seems far too radical an idea for most of us to grab hold of wholeheartedly.

You see I’ve said this before that the western way fo seeing things is so linear that we think we can box people, the human story. That somehow we can all be contained within a neat filing system. Why won’t all those humans just stay in their boxes and be neatly ticked off as something we can easily categorise. Easy to understand and easy to maintain. You won’t find any of those things in the word diaspora.

How could there be. There’s got to be an emotional element to a human life somewhere? Yet it is so concisely over looked by these imaginary lines we draw across land and culture. None of come from one place we are all moving somewhere, even if it is only through time and there in lies and ever deepening element to this story.

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Family Constellations

If you want to find out more about systemic constellations then you would do well to read up on them. You see everything including you is part of a bigger system. The immediate system that you were hopefully born into is a family. Like all systems, families work in unique and remarkable ways. Families like most things are all caught up in how we relate to each other. There are rumours that their is a family out there that have cracked this, only one. As soon as I get there number I’m going to ask them to adopt me.

You see being part of family isn’t easy. Even if you are white super privileged and have loads of money. I know. We all have work to do. What family constellatiosn do is make family dynamics visible and help us understand why we relate to certain individuals and groups in the way that we do and how we be accountable for the part we play. In a very real way family constellations can help us see the unseen. The way in which we relate to each other. How our family dynamics to play out our trauma over and over again. In truth there are a plethora of ways to play out and understand how family constellations work. Maybe it’s using just a few bits of paper. Sometimes people take on particular roles and other times people play the whole thing our for you while you just sit there and witness the whole thing.

There is no way round it. It’s pretty weird, uncomfortable and challenging, yet they hold crystal observations, deep healing as well as miraculous gifts. Family Constellations can open up everything for review from entirely new persepctives and break open relatiosnhips deadlocks that have been running for years, decades and potentially millenia. We all have ancestors. It isn’t straight forward how exactly constellations work. They are both non-scientific yet remarkably acurate. They ask you to step into the noetic science where inner knowing guides us to a deeper understanding of things by deeply embodying what we already know with in us. Using both intution and instinct and to guide us towards ourselves.

As we begin to unfold who and what we are in relations to the people who are closest to us. These are not conversation commonly held within family structures. As we unpack the sories we’ve been living we see that we have been taking on a role, playing out a character and even enabling other the behave in certain ways. Our families programme us with so much of what we believe from relgious and sexula hangups (cause lets face it they’re highly interconnected) to our understanding of money and the world at large. We learn how we view the wordl from our families. Is it a friendly place? Is it a scary place? Should you be envious of others of happy that they are well. There is so much that we carry in our energetic field that we aren’t even aware of. Often we have no idea why people are the way they are. taht the programming is so engrained we take cruel or heartless behaviour and even abuse to be normal. While everyone is just trying to get their needs met. All fighting of the cake in order to feel good.

Family Constellation expose and transfrom. Once we know something we can’t unknow it.

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Family Dynamics

Remember when family dynamics was a polite way to say “My family are totally mental?” We threw ‘family dynamics’ around like it’s not a big puss blister waiting to explode. “Yeah there are a lot of family dynamics” I think what it really means is that there is a lot of unresolved relational trauma in our family. Now that right there equals a radically deep level of self awareness.

Take it a bit further and you might begin to relise that it’s intergenerational. That the realtionship wounds that you are perpetuating go back about 15 generations or actually only 2. After all most of us have a grand parent or even parent that lived in the Second Word War. Major global upheaval that few of us have expereince until of course now.

The question that has been plaguing me lately is that in a post ruth world do we have the right to question someones reality? I’ve been thingking about it alot. For a a whole plethora of reasons but largely in realtion to trauma healing. It’s also something that I have been working with as I deepen my understanding of Complex Post traumatic Stress Disorder. How it can warp our reality. How it can make things seem real that aren’t. How the past present and future can all get mixed up with one another. it’s so much of what happens in the ancestral field too. We see people playing out the roles of their fatehr and their great-grandfathers. The patterns endlessly repeating with no way to stop it.

Yet in our bones we seem to know this. How do we make sure our lives don’t turn out the way our parents did. Our we meet the same fate as our Granparents. It seems that since the 1950’s we have been changing the very nature of family. After all isn’t the perfect on nuclear? What does that even mean? That tradition has been corroded to myth and propriety has been replaced with irreverance. That up until now all the old ways have been taken as heracy. Yet still we live in families, even if they are ‘broken’ ones. It’s strange to think that love can be broken and yet it is.

We cry for the things that haven’t happened in our family lives and that is as much of understanding trauma as everything. Somtimes it’s not about the the things that did happen it’s about that didn’t. You see from somewhere within the collective consciousness we are told that should have a happy family. That the situations that we are born into shoule automatically meet our needs. They so often don’t. That we pick the right partners who will makes us happy and love us forever, which is now rare. We want to believe that families offer the perfect opportunities to potentiate our lives, sometimes they hold us back or force us forwars on tragectories that we could would never have chose yet there they are.

Our lives patterned nad projected outward for us before we have even made out of the whom. We are born with the burden of our own birth. Depending on what you believe we chose to be here. We even chose our families. It’s a bitter pill to swallow at times.

I’ve also found myself very much back at the coal face of mirroring. Which for me specifically is all caught up in victim consciounessnes. I do not know why that is. Then again this is a great realisation to explore. Apparently all our relationships are mirrors. They reflect at us the the things we do not want to see in ourselves. I’ve been working with it for a long time. The point is to see what is agitating you and figure out where it comes from (Only viable if you are not completely triggered to fuck by the way). so yes you got to step into the white light that burns aways at us an all our misguided opinions of ourself and how we think that should be.

We can’t change our families. We can only choose to change ourselves.

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Process, Uncategorized

Systemic Abuse

God this feel like rabbit warren of toxicity that I’m not even sure that I am capable of writing about much less willing too. Yet here I a am self-employed and ready to jump into the most highly triggering topic of conversation know to man or other. Yes, the system is corrupt. Yes the system is rigged. Yes the system is toxic. You probably have to go get a vomit bucket, a dartboard and well something else that might help you manage your rage-induced madness that explodes when we discover the complex and numerous way in the system is toxic.

When we get deep down and dirty with all the way that the human race are literally fucking our selves over in order to get a temporary power buzz. Yeah, go you. Many a wounded patriarch has sat gently at the bar sanguinely calling in the return of benevolent kings. I’m really not that sure that one ever existed. You know the rule of law is a tough thing. Any South Africa will tell what it is like to have a country soley held together by the power of it’s judiciary.

All governments are corrupt and all leaders are doing their best to manage the ways in which governments are corrupted. You see I’m not interested in the big structures I’m interested in the tiny wee ones. I’m interested in the women’s circle,  what people take for leadership and where people might learn a lot more about themselves if they just bothered to listen. I’m not here to heal you unless you want to be healed. It’s a school of hard knocks honestly. I’m not here to be overly nice and even psycho-fanatic (sycophant) and it’s quite a thing to have finally found your voice. To be saying what you feel and ready for the gaslighting. It’s ok to be wrong. I’ve been wrong all my life. It’s ok to be called out I’ve been called out all my life. When all of a sudden resilience finds us and we know that even though power has been corrupted misused and even misguided; as one individual person we still have the power to reside in our own souls and find out own ‘rightness’.

The abuse of power is so easy. It’s as simple as throwing someones food away without consent. (I did that). I’ve literally got to the point of being bored of being good. That doesn’t mean that I’m necessarily bad it just that kindness and consideration is optional once a crossed a certain a certain threshold. You get what you give.

I’m not sure if this is exactly the hinge point at which society may begin to breakdown. Where entitlement ends and radical self-reliance comes into being. I hate to be cynical about society and the truth is that for the most part of my life I have always been an optimist; if a highly critical one. The truth is though I have been viewing the world through my own perspective. My own niceness, my own good heart. The idea of fairness. You see hurt people hurt people. I’ve been making allowances for that my whole life. Finding ways to extend the embracing heart of compassion, so that abusers might learn to heal as I have. The things is that few people choose to heal and I see now that what is really going on.  I overextend my sense care in the hope that it might invoke healing. It’s a form of abuse all of it’s own. A sublet one I grant you and yet there it is. All the justifications and responsibility for the state that feels the need to roll into fix things. All those broken unproductive people. Who are in fact exactly where they need to be. Finding the space to be themselves.  Finding a way out of systemic abuse. I look to the out cat for inspiration.

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