Process

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Inherited Systems & How To Dismantle Them

This seems like I’m going to head right back to a blog post from a few months ago called The Self & The System, that highlights exactly how complicated dismantling the system actually is. What the article points out is that it’s complicated because as humans we ourselves inherit both genetics,  DNA and even mutations as a result of both our family and environmental systems. So the fact that you have a symmetrical and thus attractive face is a result of an inherited system that allows you to function better in society. To be beautiful is to be pleasing and that is very much trained into our collective consciousness and not easy to undo in a 15-minute power talk.

What you may be beginning to gather about much of both my writing and indeed my thought is that dismantling the system is very much caught up in deconstructing ourselves. Our beliefs, our values systems, our understanding of aesthetics and what we believe is socially and even politically acceptable. We must learn to understand all the ways in which we are complicit in a toxic system. Worse than that all the ways in which we embody the system and there are many.

You will see many activists old and new dive headlong into rectifying activities and behaviours that aren’t necessarily grounded in a full understanding of how our behaviour impacts others. In fact you may even find that many activists are militant in their beliefs. What you will find over time and particularly if you keep ‘following’ me is that these are mere trauma responses. That they occur as a result of an over-activated primitive brain and the stimulation of the right hemispheres of the brain. That these neurological activations are navigable, changeable and as I have come to understand are the singular most powerful way to activate societal and planetary healing. That if we can step into the idea that we are in fact safe, that we are resource-abundant and able to allow people there choices at no cost to ourselves. If we are fully able to embrace these ideas much of what we might learn from the community might stimulate long-held deeper understandings of the idea of strength in diversity. How diversity of approach and attitude might indeed strengthen our resilience rather than undermine it. That indeed each approach and offering should be wholeheartedly embraced and considered as part of a healthy functional society.

It is now becoming very clear that many of our problems are a result of the education system, where we have become entrained into route learning as part of a linear system designed to produce factory workers. The world is not linear nor is the functional brain of any human, though it may be highly capable of finding linear pathways. Linear as a concept has become outdated as it is not a true reflection of the Earthly system. The is no endless line that does not curve round on its self and to build a world that acts counter to all earthly intuition is by it’s very nature counter-intuitive. That is where we need to start. At what point in your own life did you lose you intuition in the very real meaning on in-tuition. Your inwards teaching? If we find that point in your story it is the very start of the long tangled mess that has the ability to unravel the world as we understand it today. Dismantling the system is puling on that long messy string that shows us all the ways that we have betrayed ourselves and in doing so betrayed others.

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Systemic Trauma Revisited

It really is the motherload of understanding all the ways in which we are gaslit into believing that our society is relatively functional as we hurtle towards human extinction. Systemic Trauma bounced into my consciousness a little over a year ago. Now I finally understand who I am and what I do.  Although systemic trauma it might be a toxic heap of shit it is actually relatively easy to unravel if we work on it from the perspective of the personal.

I’m sure you don’t believe me. Yet at the same time what much else do we have to work with? Right now this article feels like it’s going to draw on the much deeper understanding of Systemic Healing. Rather than the actual trauma that I seem to have been covered quite extensively. The key message is; the anti-human system that expects you to work until you die while living in an ever-increasing toxic environment, as a result of the willful neglect of our environment and us people by both government and business. It’s not rocket science, as post-truth gaslighting carves the way for an emerging new consciousness.

You see we have to be able to work collectively in order to be able to survive. We have to be able to survive locally in order for life to be sustainable. We need to be able to live in balance with our immediate surroundings in order to collective action to work effectively and limit detrimental impacts further afield.

It’s quite straight forward and I think most of us that are on any form of quest to “Save Ourselves” has probably noted most of these key components while booking flights abroad and eating a lot of chickpeas (I’m still waiting for the bio impact of chickpeas consumption to emerge and eagerly awaiting the news of the human catastrophe it has caused). You see it’s all well and good to be an activist or even trauma-informed. It’s another thing to constantly and continually have to consider the repercussions of our actions. I wonder if more of us were able to do this with a deep commitment to the personal,  how our world might radically alter. Even for me as a “Systemic Trauma Specialist” I have to tell you my trauma management is a full-time job. With an ever-deeper exploration of what I need to both learn to allow and contain. Where my flow between rigid boundaries and clear consent and allowing can be refined for everybody’s benefit. The last few months have been a deep act of aligning as well as witnessing the way in which I betray myself and in the process let other people defile me and my work as I allow them to bleed their trauma into my life. You see we have a sacred responsibility to the communities in which we live to the do the work of healing ourselves. That by picking up carrying and caring for our own burdens we give other people ways to do the same with their own. Healing hurts and we cannot heal all at once. Though we can take a very good crack at it from time to time miracle do and can happen. The thing is identifying the things that cause you pain, the things that trigger and traumatise you. We need to move away from them at speed the moment that the overspill becomes real. There is no need to intoxicate others with things that cannot be contained. Yet at the same time we either all go together or none of us does. Somewhere in this strange life, we have free choice and free will. However, in my experience how much of it is dictated to by laziness or worse resignation? It’s always been that way and I can’t be bothered. That’s fine? Then why should I be bothered with you?

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Support Systems

What the fuck are they? I hear you cry. If you’ve made it to this blog and I am very pleased you have, you are probably wondering what exactly do I mean bu support systems? Is that it I have a really good mechanic? Sometimes the hairdresser lets me cry and doesn’t ask any questions..? If I could go to bed every night cuddling a bottle of red wine and gave it a name would that make me actually mad? If you dedication to ‘medicinal substances’ are the deepest and sincerest relationships I know. Then this is probably a blog post for you. 

You are supposed to have real humans in your life, as both a source of reassurance and comfort. You are supposed to have humans in your life that nurture you. Now, this is where being human in 2020 gets scary, I know very well from my own personal experience that this is more often than not, not the case. Though I do remain ever hopeful and as I continue on my journey through life I see ever-increasing examples of functional family units out there. I know who would have thunk it? However, being me and having my own history I fully understand and appreciate the toxic and dysfunctional nature of many family units. Where most members are fighting to get their needs met at best. At worst family life can be a toxic shit storm of violence, verbal abuse and emotional castration. Love feels like gaslighting, confusion reigns and functionality can feel like a distant fantasy reserved for the strange bastion of children’s stories.  

I kid you not I met Cinderella once and she worked in a boxing club. What does that tell you? That the handsome prince didn’t save her? Her feminist friends hadn’t found her? One day I do hope that, that particular fairytale has a happy ending. The last I heard she had stolen cash from the reception and never been seen again. You see we are all only ever one bad move away from destitution. That only a good friend or reliable family member might prevent us from slipping there. Yet so many of us are forced to put our mental health and emotional wellbeing at risk when we either have to visit, live with or even ask for help from our families. 

Personally, it has taken me years to understand the full impact that my family have on my emotional wellbeing. As well as the deepest understanding of both theire dysfunction and toxicity. Also the deeper physiological impacts of growing up in an unpredictable and chaotic environment where adrenaline addictions and trauma bonded formed relationship status quo and home environment. Is it any wonder your on edge, anxious and triggered?

So I’m going to give it to you straight. The way that you know if you have a good support system is that they consistently make you feel good. They say nice things about you. They value your input, are supportive of your dreams and do their best to encourage you most of the time. No one person is perfect or can fulfill all of your needs. You need a team of people who are able to share the laid of your wellbeing and maintenance and this should be reciprocal. That means that you should be concerned about other peoples well being. Be able to consistently say nice things. You are not going to get it right every single time you will make mistakes as will you friends. You get to decide how much you value your relationship and the work that you are willing to put in to maintain a support system. To build trust you need to six good, positive, trust-building experiences to one trust-breaking experience. It really is that simple. There is a science to everything. It’s called a secure attachment.

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Nurturance

Nurturance has been a word floating around in my emotional body for a while. It always felt a little strange that it was so underused by wellness practitioners. Nurture it’s a big word and I wonder sometimes what it really means? For me, it means creating behaviours and environments that promote growth. Physical and emotional growth. These days as a fully fledged adult nurturance normally has a more interesting flavour it seems prime picked in order to support healing as I speak about in Self-Nurturance, you see we have grown, some would say that we have mistakenly flourished  in toxic environments meant for house plants and not wild roses.

It’s interesting that I should write that now as I see the nurturance lies at the very centre of a new circle that I am presenting over the next few months. Called Feral: A wild adventure in an uncivilised world. Where we learn essentially about all the ways the system is fucking us. All the ways we embody the system. The programming we carry. Our toxic beliefs based on productivity, as well as both of systemic abuse, capitalism and ultimately the anti-human approaches that are destroying lives, family and societies, quite deliberately.

Over the last year, it has made me laugh hard the volume of people that have been telling me about the fear-based propaganda of COVID 19.  Those who have desperately sought to educate me as to all the ways we are being controlled while I have blithely listened. I’ve yet to get to space of recommending my this blog as a form of countenance.

Fear frequency is so old school and given that I have spent most of my life terrified of other peoples blyth ignorance, it now makes me laugh that people think that I am one of those people. I’ve been fighting and brutalised by the broken system for your benefit most of my adult life and have come to a radical understanding of its anti-humans nature. That nurturance is the antithesis of the anti-human. That personal care, self-love and nurturance are the real tools of the resistance. In fact, this is something that I consider to be personal activism that the journey inward offers the greatest stability for us all. I know many of you might consider this spiritual bypassing. If you’ve read my previous blog post Minimalism, Essentialism & Necessity you might consider otherwise. The life of an activist is a far from easy one. I have spent a lot of my life displacing my own trauma finding cause to fight for when in fact the I’m really fighting for my self my own survival my own stability my own growth. My own right to life, a safe space to live and be unhindered to peruse my dreams. The pursuit of dreams is a luxury to those not bound up in the toxicity of end-stage capitalism and enduring the ever-increasing oppression of both propaganda-driven and fascist states. The only way that anybody can effectively organise it through the lense personal activism, community activism and collective healing all of course while unpacking our own systemic trauma.

So how is it that you nurture yourself? Only you know. Is it a long bath and pomegranate juice? A long chat with a close friend? A flask of tea on the beach? A pedicure? A wild swim? Some Netflix and pyjamas? A glass of wine at the end of the day?  A music gig? Some sparkly nail varnish or a political discussion? All of these things are valid forms of nurturance cause what nurturance is for you is not the same as everybody else. You are unique wild and lovable and you deserved to flourish.

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Water & Rest

2020 has been my worst water drinking years since about 2016. A change in climates will do that. You’d think a global pandemic might make you up your A-game on self-care and yet on the other hand life is hard. We are all only ever doing the best we can. What I write below is largely a massive note to self. Drinking water is to this day is one of the number one things that I can ever recommend as a very fast way to wellness. Your energy levels go instantly up,  even in the winter all you have to do is drink it hot, though people often forget. (I mean me). For the most part, it is an easy cure-all, you should drink it with an empty stomach to avoid indigestion. 

I’m going to save you (and I)  about three years of therapy here. It only took five years of my kinesiologist telling me to drink more water to finally get the message. I had fallen out of the habit by way of some very disrupted times in my life, which included living on a boat (which made water consumption slightly more problematic than for the land dweller). When your brain brakes the basics can be really hard to get hold of again. 

So I am hoping to save you some time. Drink water, preferably the natural non-chlorinated kind. 

A number of years prior to my ‘mental break’ I had been quite an avid water drinker. In fact, I can tell you that my favourite water sources are the Speights Brewery, a rural well in Romania and Table Mountain Spring Water. Live water, it’s the best. I got hooked on the stuff during both my time in New Zealand and the Cape Town water crisis, as I was forced to drink water from the natural Newlands spring that emerged from under Table Mountain. To say this water was both good for and highly energetically charging is an understatement. In fact to drink water daily from one of the Earth most highly charges sacred points has been revolutionary. Water is a life force energy that flows through us and connects us to everything. 

I’d like to be able to say that I never drink chlorinated water. However, that is not to be. Now here I am in thoroughly westernised society and access to spring water that is not pre-bottled is problematic. Which raises much larger questions about mass state control, water sovereignty and of course access to untreated water and this pure life force energy. 

If you’ve been following me for any time at all it’s obvious that exhaustion can at time plague me especially the emotional kind. You see that’s emotional labour for you. When as a woman you are endlessly forced to explain breakdown and point out all the ways you are being violated. That we are being violated to people blind to the fact that most abuse is in fact systemic and is in fact in your home, your family and your community. Please don’t be calling out Prince Andrew or Trump on all their shit unless you are willing to take a morning of your life to listen to an abused woman or the racist experiences of a person of colour. Although it may be uncomfortable to hear that your friends, your co-worker and even you nearest and dearest have serious problems with there mental and emotional health. That is not an excuse to allow them to project their trauma into the wider spaces of the community. As adults, it is our responsibility to call ourselves out on our bullshit. To call or friends out on theirs. Yes, it is exhausting. That is why we must rest. Sleeping is an essential part of our recovery. 

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The Basics

The Basics, it seems like a growing list of essential self-care tips rather than an immediate list of essentials. If I was going to get right down to the bare bones, which indeed the home page of my website once used to. I once talked a lot about air and water. Those are the real full-blown basics of human life. Beyond that maybe even the potential of land on which to find nurturance. In 2020 even air has become toxic and it seems to be a continuing theme of my writing, as I go. That even the most basic of human necessities seems to be under threat as part of our unrelenting anti-human system. 

People these days talk about essentials like they really are disposable facial cleansing wipes or indeed scented bathtime candles. I wish I agreed and I think the revelation that someone packed scented candles as essential travel must, was probably around the time I stopped reading any kind of lifestyle magazine, along with all women’s magazines. I often wonder why these magazines don’t come with free loose-packed razor blades or a craft knife? As all most people seem to get from them is as an opportunity to entirely berates their life or claw together a vision board. Fuck I’m cheery today.  

The real thing when it comes to the basics is what is necessary, what are the absolute essentials? The thing is that when you are living on the edge of survival a candle can feel like a luxury. I’m not talking about a luxury candle. I’m talking about a sock standard household candle. That people in the first world rarely have to consider as an essential item. After several years in South Africa candles are no longer quaint. They became necessary along with the cute little enamelware candle holder. After several years of load-shedding (that’s where the government turn the electricity of whole cities off) electricity was no longer a given, nor even running water due to a drought and a climate disaster. 

This year it’s air, like some kind of elemental warfare is taking place. You see in extreme times we can find the deepest appreciation for the simplest things. Air, water, light, a candle. Nail scissors, a hairbrush, a shower. For me beyond access to our most basic elemental nurturance is the idea of safety. In an anti-human system that pushes people into survivalism, safety can seem forever out of reach. The endless quest for security (due to poor land access) can push us into extreme acts of self-deprecation. It’s ok it seems to be what the capitalist system requires. Anyways what you really need to know right now in the era of post-truth and divergent narrative (that always existed) is the fear-driven perspectives are fueling the breakdown of society. Love is an added bonus in a world that values human productivity over soul contribution. I know, it’s brutal out there and remember the only ones worth holding onto are the ones that are holding on to you. 

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Minimalism, Essentialism & Necessity

This feels like uncharted territory. 

This came to me at the beginning of the year after packing up my home and all my possessions again. This time I’d leveled up bringing all the stuff that I had back in a 35 kg rather than the standard 25kg. I had also lost my nail scissors to airport security and agonised over buying a new pair because well I hate having to buy new things even though my nails and my heart felt as ragged as an old rusty saw. I’ve moved somewhere in the proximity of over 30 times since I was 18. Living out of a bag seems to be what I do. I don’t buy things unless I absolutely have too or unless I accidentally splurge. There’s a clarity to having very little and a depth of character that comes with it. I often don’t present myself in the way that I would like because that would take a hair dryer, a mirror and well a much deeper commitment to a personal aesthetic than circumstances might allow. Yet objects and aesthetics enthrall me. Which leads me to the ever pervasive question; Are you lead by your spirit or your wound? 

You see you’d be amazed by how little you can get by without. At its most extreme even fresh water, having lived on a boat and survived a three year water shortage in Cape Town.  Even the most essential items can be reduced greatly when we live in extreme times. Messy buns are an accepted fashion necessity of these times that have become hallmark. How many of you can happily go two weeks without washing your hair? You know what the most important thing to master about such situations is attitude. I honestly believe that complaining is one of the most useless things in the world. Yet I do hold on to the right to have a monster trauma response. Especially given that my essential right to life was infringed upon this week by two particularly unconscious characters. 

Beyond this the idea of minimalism, essentialism and necessity  were presented to me last year by Lifestyle Business owner as ideologies for living. To be honest as far as I am concerned minimalism is nothing more than an aesthetic expression of clarity. What ever you don’t need is surplus to requirements. Essentialism, it’s a bizarre idea. What is it that you actually need? Which changes endlessly in response to almost any given situation.  Do you have the ability to manifest as you go? I can tell you I have lost, gathered, manifested, gifted and distributed so many essential items on the road less travelled by, that it may well be the reason that I have seriously begun to consider magic as a path of the faithful. Only yesterday I was digitally gifted some bluebells from South Africa, which could only be magic right? Necessity they say is the mother of all invention. I have to say that I agree. Some of my most favoured things have often been macgyvered.  I’m far more attached to the human heart that fashioned something for my benefit and everybody else’s, rather than for the higher aspiration of aesthetic values. 

You see this is really a question of your procurement policy? Have you thought about the stuff you buy how it impacts you and others? Do you believe that there is enough? Do you hold onto things longer than you have to? As much as these questions are about how we live and survive in the 3D physical world and where our focus should be on the products we buy, it is also asking for  higher understanding of how we manifest our lives. Recently I’ve been learning in Sangomic traditions that when something is broken it means that all the bad luck is done. That they don’t mourn the loss of objects they celebrate them. That their purpose has been fulfilled like a christmas tree wish. It’s an interesting way to look at things, even human life. 

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Activists

Actually piss me off most days even though I am one. I look straight in to the heart of most activists and invisibly ask ‘tell me about your trauma?’ Tell me about your dysfunctional family? Tell me all about all about all the ways you feel unseen, unheard, dismissed,  disregarded, ignored? Tell me, tell me, tell me? Then talk to me some more? Tell me about the Palm Oil in Borneo? Tell me about the amputees in Gabon? Tell me about the child cancer victims that can’t get treatment? Tell me about the old lonely people locked in their houses? Tell me about the mental health patients that are so isolated by the system they get madder? Tell me about all the people that fall through the cracks? Tell me about the alcoholic single mother who was abused as child? Tell me about the neglected child with the alcoholic mother? Tell me how vulnerable children get abused in state care? Tell me about the still born babies that never got held? Tell me about all the dead babies in unmarked graves? Tell me of all the babies that were never given names? Then tell me of the people that die alone with no family? Tell me of the abused women to frightened to speak? Tell me about coercive control? Tell me about the impacts of prostate cancer? Tell me how processed food is killing us? Tell me about the benefits of a vegan diet? Tell me about animal rights? Tell me why all beings are sentient? Tell me about the indigenous population about to lose all their land, again? Tell me about the corrupt governments? Tell me how Justin Treudow is a sexy fraud? Tell me about propaganda? Tell me how Trump is a national hero? Tell how Trump is a facist? Tell me that Boris is alright? Tell me why you love The Union Jack? Tell me about the increasing rate of childhood obesity? Tell me about the starving children? Tell me about the starving children in the UK? Tell me about your Uncle that died of kidney failure? Tell me about the failing NHS? Tell me how the NHS saved your life? Tell me how you go through cancer? Tell me about the importance of indigenous knowledge systems? Tell me about your dying language? Tell me about what it feels like to be a black woman in a “white country”? Tell me what it’s like to be a black woman in South Africa? Tell me what it’s like to be a black woman immigrant in any country? Tell me what it feels like to not speak your own language? Tell me what it feels like to be scared of your own skin? Tell me what it’s like to be racialised by your hair? Tell me what it is to hate your father? Tell me what it is to have survived you husband? Tell me what is it to be ignored, beaten and brutalised by the police? Tell me of your torture? Tell me of your torture of both the physical and the emotional? Tell me of your troture both real and imagined. Tell me of your friends who have ‘disappeared”? Tell me of your past pain? Tell me of your future worry? Tell me of your living hell? Tell me why Eco-Anxiety is a thing? Tell me about the impacts of slavery on your life? Tell me about systemic racism? Tell me what its like to be a sex worker? Tell me why you are a sex worker? Tell me about your children in care? Tell me about your baby daddy? Tell me about your abusive mother? Tell me the impacts of your physical illness on your emotional wellbeing? Tell me about your workload? Tell me that you’re busy? Tell me about you overwhelmed? Tell me about all the causes you can’t keep up with? Tell me about your underearning? Tell me about long term unemployment? Tell me about homlessness? Tell me about drug addiction? Tell me about AIDS and HIV? Tell me about how your mother dies of tuberculosis? Tell me about how you see things? Tell me about why you hear voices? Tell me how the natural environment keeps you sane? Tell me? Tell me all at once? Tell me forever? Tell me the same story over and over again? Tell me the same story over and over and over again until it is changed or willfully forgotten. Scream me your pain. Wail me your terror. Burn away the ugliness and. Cut out the hard part. Bleed me your soul. Cry for the world and everyone in it. Swim in your sorrow. Water your dreams. Love your heart. Break the old to build the new.

Tell me of your birth trauma? Tell me how your wife left you? Tell me how the work doesn’t pay? Tell me about the natural disaster? Tell me about the flood, the famine, the wild friends? Tell me about the hurricane? Tell me about the tsunami? Tell me about your village that was destroyed? Tell me about the Tower Block theat burn down? Tell me about the negligent council? Tell me about the corporate greed of building manufacturers? Tell me about the burning of the witches? Tell me about womens rights? Tell me about menstruation? Tell me about land rights and why we haven’t got any? Tell me about the enclosures act. Tell me about Apartheid? Tell me that your grandfather survived the holocaust? Tell me about microaggressions. Tell me how you identify? Tell me what education means for you? Tell me what it was like to grow up in a cult? Tell me what it was like to grow up in a propaganda state? Tell me why Nelson Mandla was useless. Tell my why nothing has changed? Tell me about capitalism? Tell me about the anti-human system? Tell me about the perils of plane travel? Tell me about cultural appropriation?. Tell me about extractive economies and why they are harmful? Tell me about child labour? Tell me about slave labour? Tell me about emotional labour? Tell me about civil rights and freedom of expression?  Tell me about the refugees? Tell me about the neverending war? Tell me about nuclear weapons? Tell me about the Middle East Peace Process? Tell me what it means to be Palestinan? Tell me what it means to be Israeli? Tell what its like to work in antarctica? Tell me how your white privilege in fucking up the world? Tell me about plant medicines? Tell me about your psychedelic trip? Tell me how iowaska saved you life? Tell me about the impacts of chickpea farming and biofuel? Tell me why Tesla are bastards? Tell me why everyone else is wrong? Tell me the ways in which I can violently agree with you? Tell me about dehumanising language. Tell me how to change my language and use my words? Tell  me how controlling and annhiliting other peoples, communities, religion is necessary? Tell me why you only wear underpants woven out of your own pubic hair? Tell me why it is everybody else but you? Tell me why your frequency sucks and your life is a mess? Tell me why you will never be successful and we are all doomed? Tell me why you are a stoner and cannabis is the answer? Tell me why your right to alcohol is more important than a woman’s right to be safe? Tell me about your civil liberties? Tell me about your land trauma? Tell me about crime? Tell me about poverty? Tell me about connectivity poverty? Tell me why you haven’t got data? Tell me about the benefits of Cannabis? Tell me about the 1%. Tell me about education privilege? Tell me about the rights of the dead? Tell me about disabled access? Tell me about braille libraries. Tell me about clean water. Tell me about all of it, from the beginning to the end. Tell me the long story? Tell me the short version? Tell me where you lost your humanity? Tell me where you found it? Tell me what you dream of? Tell me what you love? Tell me what you aspire too?

Then after everything has been said that needs to be said. Feel it feel it all and just when you think you are finished, done,  completed. Then and only then act on it.  That the undervalued Art of In-Action.

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The Power of Aligned Action

I think I might be beginning to feel it now. In fact I might be coming to a very different understanding of what this might mean entirely. Even in this moment I want you to know I am hiding. I am not telling you all I am, what I believe or indeed how I manifest my dreams, or even what those dreams might be. What I experience now is that I have my very own kind of magic that falls in and away from the everyday transaction of something for material gain. As a recent compulsive purchase has just taught me The History of Magic by Chris Gosden is that ‘magic emphasizes human connections with the universe and the universe is responsive to us’. So maybe it isn’t so much about the the power of aligned action is it is to do with magic. You see we’ve been trained not to be true to ourselves and although I may have ironed in a good emotional frequency into my mind my body definitely experiences the world as a dangerous place. Most women will tell you this that somewhere deep in their bodies is a place where vulnerability meets threat, where threat means violence. When I’m writing that is a lot of where I live. When I take action that is a lot of what I am sorting out. You see in the language of A2B Transformation I am E-Loced by time. I am E-loced by both my own history and the impact that my action, belief, insight and even writing may have over time. That it might incur me to experience criticism of inform and impact the world in ways that I had not anticipated or even planned for. That I might upset people and even become a source from which to polarise arguments. That my ideas, process and arguments might be triggering and indeed harmful and as a result inadvertently cause me harm. So being invisible is easy. Being all love and light and violet flame is an extraordinary practice. However it doesn’t leave a lot for the traumatised to work with, nor do most religious spectres on forgiveness. I’ve been pondering a lot about the origins of the for-give and for-get and even for-grieve without actually having done much research on their entomology. What I feel though is that they hold answers within their breaking down. For-give to forward give. For-get to forward get and For-grieve to forward grieve. That the words in their very essence have a magical essence to what they manifest that within forgiving there is a forward gift, that within forgetting there is a forward getting, that in forgrieving there is a letting and just like that forbid popped into the fold. Forward-bidding?

What has all this got to do with The Power of Aligned Action, we have to know who we are not to know who we are and that is a process, a very demanding one when done in public. It’s also very much about how that might go about being ‘marketed’ to the masses as a concept of radical transformation, of how to be a true authentic self. It sure as hell isn’t a one size fits all. It’s a fucking fuck up. You don’t learn it in school and very few people are interested in the perpetuating systemic trauma that might prevent you from manifesting your dreams. Especially when being invisible has kept you safe. When not being yourself has allowed you to survive. That’s been my story in very strange ways. How could I possibly say that? How could I possibly say that or indeed write that publicly and put a rubber stamp on it? You see my writing is by its very nature disruptive. Not just in terms of what I write but also in terms of how I write. First of all I’m dyslexic, second of all I hold a certain amount of language trauma as a result of being a Scot speaking and writing in English, who’s nuanced understanding of language has never developed well enough to have an actual grammatical understanding of English. You see there simply comes a point and I do hope that it arrives for all of you that you have to “Chuck it in the fuck it bucket” and beyond having to accept things as they are you have to accept yourself as you are.

I’m dreamer, a optimist, a humanist and egalitarian that gives a shit about both the planet and the Earthlings that live here and that is actually in real life terms deeply uncool. Because your too sensitive, over dramatic, rebellious, disruptive, passionate, abused, aggressive, militant, triggered as well as I so fervently tell you traumatised cause societal gaslighting is here. Your too much, not enough and failing spectacularly all the time. Every day there is a new fight, everyday another storm, a new recruit,  a new wave of both supporters and incoming information to disseminate. It’s fucking endless and most people don’t really give a fuck about the rape victims I work with for free that will never see justice. Few people really give a fuck about the neglected emotionally abused child in all of us that has never been held. Few people really give a fuck abiutther the devistating impact of scoicital gaslighting and it’s accompanying systemic racism and trauma. Few people really give a fuck about economic collapse the real impacts of a global pandemic. Few people really give a fuck that large swaths are Soutern Atlantic have been found to ‘dead’ ie. nothing live there and well. No one really care that humanity is literally falling apart, one person, one home, one family, one community, one river, one forest and one planet at a time.

Do you know why we know this no one wants to talk about it over dinner, no one wants to walk instead of ride and no one is wiling to leave the plastic packaging that is destroying large swathes of our environment in the fucking supermarket (I know). More than this few of us are checking on their neighbour and in fact huge swathes of us find it increasingly difficult to speak kindly to one another (having never been taught). Cause actually being kind is disruptive, in fact in an anti-human society it tends to destroy people. So the next time you want to call someone militant or aggressive why not say abused, neglected ignored, triggered,  traumatised because nobody else is doing the work that they have the heart to.

Right now all the people that have been living on the edge forced out of society due to their deep care and compassion now stand on the edge of the biggest human initiation on the planet. What do we do when the world falls apart? We turn up with tea and say “There dear” it’s okay I won’t destroy you.

So yes perfect aligned action is finding yourself in the turmoil and terror and saying I have to do it anyway. It’s a commitment to the calling. It’s a commitment to you and the world’s magic.

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Process, Uncategorized

Change Makers

I’m on a writing roll and just finished the previous blog post about me as a ‘Changemaker’. That ended with me questioning how deliberate am I being. Once again as I write this very deliberately in messy, unorganised and detached ways. Doing my best output me at the centre of my world and very clearly dishonouring others and my promises in the process. Fuck!!! The emotional labour is real. The ideologies of success can feel toxic. 

Recently I have been called to look at The Four Agreements again and as great as they are right now I am being shit at them. Which doesn’t bode well for my Trauma-Informed business or even supposed attitude or approach? My Emotional Labour right now feels highly intensive as the demand for my skills seems to be ever-increasing. I wonder how well I am actually skilling up. How well I am holding myself in this accelerated process of deepening. As I sit here anxiously typing away trying to fast forward in order to buy myself time. I feel like I keep on sliding off the treadmill, wobbling off the board as I begin to understand the much deeper responsibility of occupying the space of Change Maker. Where I think at this point I might even want to say honour keeper (OMG it sounds so lame, geeky and real). How about I just managed that? How about I just did what I said I was going to do? What I feel I can achieve? Who I feel I can be responsible too? The things I say I think I can get too. There is soooo much juggling and dropping. I can’t even reference, edit and maintain my website blog well. Let’s be clear here the blog is as much about honouring my own emotional process as it is about projecting my ideas out into the world. Even this I am struggling with and I can’t keep up with my own brain. My own process, my own space of personal self-expression, which has nothing to do with generating change and everything to do with generating personal stability. These are very different things or are they? 

You see stability is the change that I seek to make for myself and indeed other. Even in this toxic fast-paced environment that is hurtling towards disaster. I want the stillness, the openness, the expansiveness of self-knowledge and assurity and yet here I am barely tending to my own innermost needs. Being mildly driven by the passing need to make money. Yes the system still occupies me from time to time. Right now in this moment each article. Blog posts and even presence seem to sprout branches; one more thing to write about. One more nuance to understand, One more deepening understanding of language. Maybe it has all been said before. So who am I typing against the clock for. Maybe radical self-expression is as much as we can do to acknowledge the ever-changing within us. As we process the inevitable change that is happening around us. What is our sole purpose here on Earth to witness the inevitable change as it occurs here on as part of the multiple layered and deeply interconnected process of being alive on planet Earth as part of a far greater and expansive cosmic system?

You see people watching? Regardless of how long we sit still everything changes anyway. In the meantime I must brush my hair and get ready for dinner and think about what respectability is with regards to honouring one’s self.

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