Process

Process, Uncategorized

The System

I get asked all the time what do you mean by ‘The System’? If I was a full-blown academic maybe I would have found a succinct way to conceptually replicate exactly what the system is? Maybe I’d be able to neatly package the systemic? In the most accessible version, it’s all the false realities that we are ‘forced’ to live with. It’s that thing we might collectively call bullshit. It’s all the things that we were born into that we didn’t consent to. All the things that we appear to have inherited as a result of human attachment to time and form. It’s all the systems that have been slowly fucking us collectively since the industrial revolution that are being caught out by the all-encompassing reality of climate change. These are the broad strokes of understanding the system.

It’s the nationalism you ascribe to cause you were taught it in the country you were born into. It’s the linear thinking that you embody because it both functional, productive and conducive to the capitalist system you were expected to exist in. It’s both the price and cost of religion, that believes that redemption is monetary. It’s money and the faulty economics of exchange that capitalism is based on. It’s the sickness system that you are paying to die into due to the industrialisation of food production. It’s the nutrient-poor land that we’ve been poisoning to eat. It the claustrophobic apartment you call home with no outdoor space. It’s the air you dare to breathe and the fresh clean live water that you cannot source to drink. That is The System.

You see it is often said that the only thing that survives us is love as and as an Art Historian what I know for sure is that objects and structures both the physical and the imagined can survive us too, usually with a far deeper sense of everyday meaning. Ideas can survive us. Yet for some reason we get all caught up on this love business. That is not to say that love doesn’t survive us. However what is that you really remember of your great great grandparents? You see more and more it becomes ever clearer in my reality that there is a great rouse going on. That somehow despite all the evidence. (That at this point might include the evidence submitted for Trump’s impeachment) We seem to believe that the society in which we live is built on higher ideals; that of truth, love, justice and honesty. It simply isn’t true. The age-old narrative of good vs evil is still alive and well with us today and we would be fools to believe that it isn’t an ever-present reality. Yet we do. Even though it tells us in all the great stories old and new that the corruption of power is central to the human narrative.

Conspiracy theories are abounding constantly asking us to question our truth. Yet so many of us don’t want to look at what is right in front of us. From the clothes, we wear to the food we buy and the media we consume. What is true for us? What is acceptable for us? Right now we live in a world of deep polarisation. Yet it has always been this way. The haves and the have nots. Have you noticed that we have one month of the year allotted (By fucking who?) to black history? That means black history only matters one 12th of the time. If you don’t understand whiteness then there is your queue. How is it the black history only matters one 12th of the time? It’s not that you are necessarily being lied to. It is that your narrative is being controlled. You are being told who you are and what to believe to serve an agenda. An agenda that is highly vested in maintaining the status quo and controlling power.

The narrative is off. It isn’t about them out there. It is about us in here. What is going on in your soul? What do you want to see for yourself and your family? Your life span? How is that rolling out in your life? And if not why not? Also, how is your agenda impacting others? Where are you holding onto control? It is often said that we live in an abundant world and that love is the most important thing, or indeed the highest value. If that’s true why are you scared? What are you scared of? If love is running the world why hasn’t everybody got enough to eat, clean drink water and a safe place to eat? For me when it comes to these big question we simply have to look to the system. If we were free to live then why would any of this be an issue? You see understanding, recognising the system is all about acknowledging all the ways that you aren’t free. That on day to day basis we come up against barriers that prevent us from living the lives we are capable of as a result of somebody else’s need for control. Who gave them the control and why? It asks us to question ourselves our way of life.

You can’t buy your way out of the system. You can give your way out of it. If you sitting in a shit whole or even better a shit stom you’ve been planted and like a tree you alone get to decide how you are going to weather the storm .

This article accompanies the Trauma Wise Circle.

*This article was written by a dyslexic with a punk attitude.

Process, Uncategorized

Emotional Health

Wow, I totally missed this… How that is, is a bit beyond me. My non-linear mind has just cracked open to the idea that I can write retrospectively. Why on Earth Have I not written about this before? After all Emotional Health and Emotional Landscape have been at the very center of my work for a very long time and yet I have never wrtiten a blog post about them. Isn’t that strange? Maybe not. I’m continually saying that I find it hard to keep up with the thoughts that I generate in my head. I’m sure we have all had moments when we couldn’t see the woods for the trees. My moment just seemed to last for five years or more. Finally this seems to be changing as my emotional wellness seems to be on the rise.

Anyways what’s more important that the acknowldegement of Emotional Health? Not much I reckon given that it is where everything positive starts. However there is probabaly a little more to this than might meet the eye. Why wouldn’t I write about emotional health for so long? It’s everything to do with my emotional landscape. It didn’t feel safe to do so and I’ll tell you why. In recent months and even weeks I’ve been beginning to understand all the ways that I have short changed myself by not being brave enough to speak my mind. You see I am what many might term as a dessentor. There are alot of things that I don’t agree with. And although you might find me in a pub near you having a very long rant about many or my beliefs and even insights, sometimes I find it difficult to put my money where my motuh is. Not because I don’t believe in what I am saying but like most people I recognise that what we put on the internet can have a life of it’s own. We never know when the thoughts that we post might sprout legs, get taken out of context or terrifyingly go viral.

So me saying things like I don’t agree with the term mental health open me up to all sorts of critism that my poor white priviliged fragile self may not be able to cope with and thus derail about a decade of healing. At the same time I have to be brave.

The thing is I don’t always agree with term mental health. It implies that everything that is wrong with us is in our minds, that our brains have gone a little wonky and all we need to do is change our thoughts, or our brain chemistry and we can change out lifes. Clearly for many cases this absolutley true and I would never peronally question any one person’s mental health history, mental health story or even journey. If your on medication and that is working for you then you are absolutely doing the right thing.

However it’s not always true especially when you look at mental health from a trauma informed perspective. That is my story and that is why I am sharing it here. For a long time I was written off work with Anxiety & Depression back in the day it was a cover all low impact diagnosis, that allowed you to be wildly off you head without having to deal with any, long term tricksy permenant diagnosis.

Now what I know is the Anxiety & Depression are symptoms of trauma and that Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) are resposive illness rather than disorders. In other words there is every thing right with you. More than this there is increasing evidence that CPTSD is a systemic illness rather than a personal one. In short there is evidence to suggest that the systems within whihc we live can make us very sick in some very extreme ways. What I have come to discover is that it is all about feeling our emotions and recognising the states of my emotional health was key to that. What if we were to understand fully what makes us anxious or depressed? I know in my life that much of what I feel has either been supressed or repressed. Hence this very late article. All the things that I couldn’t say because it was not safe to do so. The more I deepen into this work the more I become fully aware that this is common. Most of us have not been allowed access to the full depth and breadth of our emotions and then we wonder why we are sick? If we aren’t experiencing our emotions fully then who are we really? So many of us are pretending, mainly pretending that the system in which we live works for us. That the parameters that we are given within which to live our lives is totally accepatable. That we must all enjoy our souless jobs, that we must all be grateful for our enslaved lives working to maintain the power of the elite. Obvioulsy it’s not as simple as that and your emotional health might be tied up in very different unmet needs like being able to eat. Ultimately though our collective emotional landscape as a species is really far out of wack and our emotional health holds all the keys to fixing that. What if we were to deal with our emotions first? What if feeling what is worng in out lives was the first step to healing the system? If we aren’t willing to look at what feels wrong in our own lives then how are we supposed to address what feels wrong in society. Emotional health has everything to offer us a a way to understand ourselves its also the key to embodying a more humane way of living

This article was written to accompany Feral Systemic Healing Circle.

Process, Uncategorized

The Matrix

Our reality is constructed and the great news is that you are a co-creator in our collective reality. Now a lot of people think that the above statement is indeed bullshit. You are entirely welcome to continue to believe whatever it is that you want to believe. 

What I’m here to ask is is that belief system making you happy? 

To be clear I have no idea what you believe, why you believe it or indeed why that might be important to you? There are lots of reasons as to why we come to certain conclusions in our lives. That are broad, varied and nuanced. They can be everything to do with collective consciousness, impressing your parents, proving you worth or indeed what it is that you need to feel well. If you grew up in a hostile environment, as many of us did, it’s easy to accept that anxiety is normal or self-protective actions are primary. That being financially secure is the primary source of your emotional wellness. All of these beliefs absolutely serve a purpose and if what you believe is working for you, then you are absolutely right and taking the right course of action for you. 

Right now just because you are still reading this is I am asking you to step beyond what you already know, once again. 

I fell out of The Matrix the minute I bought that boat (the one that I was living on in My Lostness) I didn’t know it at the time. I thought it may be the source of a summer adventure not a complete and radical alteration of my understanding of life itself. I had been asleep most of my life and hadn’t fully noticed. I had and an inkling that my dissatisfaction with life itched at. I didn’t see the point of school, often time even books, I wanted to experience life. I had had those moments on holiday, stoned at a festival, post-coitus oxytocin hits. Where the world had been sublime and it felt like I was living life chasing those hits. Like the girl in the red dress. 

Life on a boat for a year change that entirely every day was like being in a blissed-out connective state. The boat moved with the tide. The tide moved with the ocean and the ocean moves with the moon, The moon moved with the seasons and the seasons change with the  orbit of the sun. We all know this. It’s all standard geography 101. Few of us have experienced it. Even though we live on planet Earth. These are the deep underpinnings of earthly existence long before humans ever turned up. The cycles seem to be to focus on our earliest worship beyond our daily water gathering rituals. So much of what we are deeply connected to has been forgotten. Overlooked as we starred at progress and lost sight of the real balance and wisdom that are Earthly presence has to offer. 

Progress as The Great Pause is teaching us has enforced our disconnection which goes against human programming. We are wired for connection beyond the digital. 

This article has been written to accompany the Trauma Wise Circle

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The Abyss

My journey into the abyss started long before I actually realised I was in it. In fact I think most of us born into this 3D reality might feel like we were born into varying shades of grey never mind darkness. Even the deepest black can have tones and shade.

I remember where I was when I heard the term The Abyss without is actually applying to some deep-sea adventure or that 80’s film. I was standing on the balcony of The Boathouse a pub that is no more. In fact, it seems like quite a good place for a story about The Abyss to begin. I do believe it is the only pub that I have regularly drank in where I never made and actual friend.

Which might make it the loneliest bar in Falmouth (no wonder it closed).  I did instead though get the thread to the very beginning of this story. 

I was having a hard time. One of those times in your life where you are doing everything you can and nothing is working, when you begin to start to feel yourself slipping. You see it’s a subtle feeling to begin with at first. When you begin to break into proper adulting. Get a job, pay your bills, start to make a life, mix it with some adventure and hey presto. Then you realise that degree you worked so hard for wasn’t the solution to everything. That the jobs you are doing are still shit. The office politics is more toxic than the social dynamic of the bar you used to work in and well adulthood is not everything that is cracked up to be. The things you’ve been running from and too seem to be collapsing in on themselves and no amount of sunshine and beer seems to be able to stop it. The dragging was beginning to feel like drowning and relaxing beers were becoming relentless. You wanted to slow down but if you stopped it felt like your life might run you over with the car your were driving; that you would be a mile down the road before anyone had noticed you had been hit by a moving vehicle. Things were out of control and there was no way of stopping the hamster wheel of hell that you had become trapped on. It was no longer the case you had to keep up, it had become an extreme sport of holding on, as one by one each limb broke it was rapidly replaced with a new one. Life was moving at a terrifying pace which was both unfulfilling and fractus as you tried to hold together some kind of idea of what life could or indeed should be like. 

It was here in the beginning of this realisation that I met Steve Martin and old school music producer who had moved to the sticks in need of some respite. As he spoke to me and I disturbed the somewhat fragile peace of a beautiful summers evening in a Cornish pub. He leaned into me to listen more intently. ‘Oh’ he says as glimmering of insight settled into his synapsis. “You are in The Abyss, it’s only The Abyss and the only thing you can do when you are in The Abyss is to keep on swimming. You just have to keep on swimming” it seemed so off-hand so impenetrably deep and simultaneously mediocre that I wasn’t sure if I should have bothered speaking at all. Of course curiousness got the better of me. “We’ve all been there” he says as he turns to another punter mate next to him. “The Abyss Pete you been there” and they both rolled off their own version of the infinite darkness that they had occupied in there life for somewhere up to the 10-year mark when the booze, the drugs and the darkness were just a bit too out of hand. That usually ended in some kind of spectacular radical mindset change. “All you got to do is change your mind”  Some likely local chipped in and it was there that I felt the depth of The Abyss for the first time. That this was not the end of my painful journey, that in fact it might just be the beginning of the dull ache fo belonging that might never go away, judging by the characters that surrounded me. That maybe this was just a capacity test, to measure your pain threshold, commitment to resilience in this life. That we all ached and even burned with the desire for something better, something different to the crushing system in which we were forced  to operate, live breath and play. I didn’t get it then. It would take me a good while longer for it to finally settle in, for now I was in The Abyss and so was everyone round me and we were all in it swimming, insight and out of reach, waiting for a brand new dawn in the murky sinister darkness that enveloped us all. That dominated the innerscape that screamed for the T.V and exploded in the Friday night drunk. All the beautiful ingenious radical people chained to the wheel that was breaking them. If you were awake, the pain was a privilege, the awareness a gift. A happy alternative to the anodyne numbness to the blindly complicit and the toxic destruction that fueled most if not all commerce. It was sickness, nauseating and crippling and yet here we were, standing up sitting down and eating the shit we were selling all for the price of our souls, begging to be broken. 

This article was written to accompany the Trauma Wise Circle

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My Lostness

There is always a sad story to begin with…

As far as I’m concerned everything begins with a story and before that it begins with a feeling. There is always a beginning before the beginning. Like the story of your parents and the day that you were born. There is always a before. That is why we are still unpacking the big bang theory and searching the great mysteries for ever more information. There is always more than one truth and here is where I offer up mine. 

For me the fall out if the 3D reality started on a boat the only place where I could stop from running, residing in a place that was designed to move. That boat “The Yacht Samara” was the first place I ever lived that gave me permission to stay. You see before that I had always been running. I didn’t know how significant that realisation was until right up until this moment. You see healing isn’t linear, nor is life our even time. As many have said before me “The lesson will be presented again until it is learned”. Nothing is unbearable and the real trick in life is to learn to bear it. 

I was swimming in a fog of changemaker addiction; experience consumption. I was running from my feelings the only way I knew how. Sef-medicating through co-dependency hoping that someone might make me feel good about myself  and continually thinking that there was somewhere else that I belonged. I have often said that in life I wasn’t spoiled I was ruined. I grew up in the west coast of Scotland exploring bluebells woods, talking to fairies and playing in ruined castles and as someone once said about my village “That to live in The Firth of Clyde was to live your life drenched in beauty” I grew up surrounded by magic it was imbued in the place where I at that time belonged. Until along came the bulldozers, the concrete, the badly built houses and the poorly planned developments and life and I were transformed forever. I moved from there to Glasgow (where I learned that a life of beauty was far from a given) then to the west coast of Canada, New Zealand, then Cornwall where everything was at best underwhelming. 

Something was dead in me. It was only as I stood on this boat feeling the gentle rhythm of the water beneath my feet and feeling thoroughly panicked for what had seemed like an eternity I realised that it was me that was lost. That if life on a yacht could not ease the aching of my gipsy soul what could? It is here that my journey inwards and the true quest for internal answers began. Lost in all the mess that the modern world could offer. No money, no job, no love, swimming in the carnage of unprocessed emotions about all of the above. That no amount of active fixing could solve, that the hamster wheel of hell would not allow me to quench. I was sick in my soul and I knew it. I had nowhere to run, nowhere to run too and no one to fix it. It was down to me to face this invisible beast that seemed to dwell in me and although it disturbed me that I would have to start here where everything had gone so badly wrong there were no other options left. 

They say that we find our fate is the road we take to avoid it. It was true of me maybe it is of you? That is where my story begins, lost on a boat, tethered precariously to the land on the precipice of becoming.  

If you really want to know why this offering is called The Free Buffet we have to go right back to this moment where for a spell I was so poor I literally used to hope that people would invite me round for dinner so that I could eat. Poverty is humbling. It breaks you in ways that most things can’t. Of course at this time  it took everything I could to contain my rage, which of course used to spill over into public view at the most inopportune moments. About how the poor were mistreated and how only those that were deemed viable were ever offered a seat at the table of opportunity. I lived in a place where potential and the future had been aborted for a chance at survival. That the gift of giving is reserved for those that were able to service somebody else’s needs. Even now the discomfort of that knowledge channels through me with the seductive allure of vengeance. 

Eco-Anxiety didn’t exist then. Trauma was a word reserved for car crashes and the growing dis-ease of humanity was an elusive whisper in the undercurrent you couldn’t find. That still needed to be drowned out with drinking and the delusion that any form of action and all forms of solidarity would help. Then adrenal fatigue set in,  which wasn’t a term either. I was exhausted by the insanity of the system. Broken by ignorance and silenced as a result of my speaking. And so I retreated into the world of social isolation. Where the solace of living in human form was a dreary groan that encompassed everything. It was sad time all in the prime of my life. Time was lost and the gains where small. It used to amaze me when I arrived in future.  

These days I do feel I am at the very least ascending. One slow upward step at a time, as me knees ache and grasp tightens. I can’t tell you that they ground beneath my feet is solid or the path ahead is assured. I still sit down on the steps and grasps for breath as my feet slip. It’s ok for the moment. It’s all ok. I have learned to speak to myself gently, encourage myself deftly one step at a time. It’s just for this moment. Everything changes. My inner scape is friendly, my own presence is kind. Rage and hurt only come as visitors. Teachers to be questioned and played with on the eternal path home.  It’s a soft persistence I work with now, like Japanese water torture. The intention is set the seeds are sown and I’m witnessing the growth of an acorn. You can’t see it yet, that force of nature and it’s still there. Writhing, pushing, expanding like an unborn thing waiting to take form. It’s ok to be lost you don’t know what or who you are yet. It’s ok I don’t know either. 

Please click through if you would like to join the Trauma Wise Circle

Process, Uncategorized

Emotional Landscape

Hmmm I would have thought that I had written this one already. It seems not. How it missed it off of the top 100 of The Life Doula usable phrases I have no idea. How it has failed to make into blog post noteriaty is beyond me, given that it is one of the core tenants of the work I do. Maybe it’s because it so close to emotional mapping I didn’t think it was necessary. This morning I have already been writing You Are Here, about where you stand on the map of your life and where that relates to Trauma Wise. What you need to know about what surrounds you in order to make more powerful better informed choices. Not sure if I explained the power of You Are Here as succinctly as I did here. Note to self. Anyway I referenced emotional landscape a lot in that post/article and I thought I better follow up on what it actually means. As I am sure references to emotional landscape in pop culture are at best rare. You see it’s been a journey this blog itself is called process because I don’t always know where I am or where my emotional journey might take me. How can I when I don’t know where I am? In fact writing gives me the greatest opportunity to discover where I am and that is why I do it. The process laid bare. How are we supposed to know where we are if we don’t think or talk about it? That’s my vibe.

You see as humans we are constantly and continualy dealing with the unseen. The unseen can be expressed, understood, suppressed, repressed, invisible, ignored, incommunicable and even preverbal. The unseen realms are all about feeling. What can’t be felt lives in the unconscious shadow. In recent years there has been an explosion in shadow workers and now more recently trauma practicioners (of which I am one). I didn’t start this journey knowing I was either. All I knew is that I wanted to help people feel and talk about emotional health rather than mental health. That emotions were the key to feeling and healing everything.

That to me, is what emotional landscape is. It’s the place where you reside within your soul. The landscape that no one else can see, that only you feel, that often acts as a barrier to conecting with others. You see our emotional landscapes often don’t look like the ones you see on T.V. (who watches T.V. anymore?) The emotional landscape can be dark, confusing, cloudy, messy and most of all unnamable. We dont know how to talk about our souls unless someone gives us language to do so. The language that we are taught quite often doesn’t match the langauge that we have. We think love is scary or family is safe. The beach is happy or that clowns are funny. Each of our emotional landscapes is highly unique to us and can often feel non-translateable. Until of course we find that painting, that song, that film that somehow expresses the unsayable for us. More confusingly every day, every moment is different as life is fluid. We can be on the edges of bliss one day and exploding with anger the next. We can be dancing with excitment and wrestling with peace at the same time. Our emotional landscape is caught up with oximorons that can make us feel insane. The world is supposed to be structured and finite, not random and fluid and yet it can be both sumoultaniusly. No wonder we get confused or feel lost, lonely isolated a lot of the time. You see we haven’t understood our invisible emotional landscape and until we do we are never going to find ourselves, where we are and head in the direction we want to be going.

It is so interesting, in writing and re reading this I feel a return. Although I do specialise in trauma this has taken me back to my an orgin story of sorts. When I first realised that healing was all about feeling. The world wasn’t ready for that message then and even now as we journey though our monumental collective shadow. I wonder how ready we are for that work now. With all the name blaming and shaming going on I’d say we are living the polarity like a very well oiled high jinx game. Where I’m wondering when we get to turn the board over? You see my journey through my own emotional landscape has led me to a far deeper understanding of the caves and swamps that lie within it, not just the personal ones but the collective ones too. This is where I began to appreciate that ther might be something such as Collective Trauma and that beyond Collective Trauma it’s root cause is Systemic Trauma. That our emotional landsacpes are filled with the narrative of systemic trauma. That there is no one to blame. That we have simply been living in the after math of orgnisational Trauma Bombs that can devastate lives, wipe out whole city blocks, rip apart families and destroy any sense of community or resillience that we have. The onslaught of the system on our emotional lanscapes in continual corrosive nand deadly unless of course you are willing to comply and well as we understad it it’s taken us to full scale environmental collapse. It’s easy to beleive that understanding you emotional landscape is a soft fluffy option for vegan friendly militiants trying to solve the chickpea problem. The truth is chickpeas probably aren’t going to help us either because you know biodiversity is important. The truth is we have to look at where the challenges begin, that’s with you and me and all that pressure we seem to be under.

This article is being writen to accompanying reading for Feral Systemic Healing Circle please click through if you would like more information.

Process, Uncategorized

You Are Here

Last year 2020 (Yes that one) I started out on creating a free course called The Free Buffett, that could be used by those experieincing trauma. 2020 being the year that it was my course didn’t get very far off the ground, even though the ground work was there. This year after reassessing it’s contents I decided to use the course segments titles to inspire each of my weekly blog posts. The first of these titles being ‘You Are Here’. It’s a stange title to begin with, I know, yet if I explain it it might begin to make more sense. You see it really is quite straight forward. You are here. Right here exactly where you are. You exist and it seems like a very good place to get started, in the quest to both heal trauma and the journey to reclaim your infinte power. It’s a really exciting concept. That no matter where you are? There you are. If you know where you are you might be able to figure out where you are going? I thought it was quite a funny title as it made me think of one of those tourist maps that you find at an amusement park or country park. We often don’t know where we are standing unless we have taken the time to look. It’s a strange question too as we often don’t think about our lives in terms of where we are. We don’t think about the unseen landscape that surrounds us. And there is one.

You see all our lives are made up of multiple elements from how we feel? Who we are in relationship with? Where we live? and what we think? Life can be super complicated and we carry so many unspoken things it can be difficult to to even consider the emotional landscape within us. Much less express it or convey it to sombody else. Often we just don’t have the resources and in particular time to understand, appreciate and acknowledge how we are feeling. Where we are? Where we are going? or where we want to be?

You see when we grow up in traumatised landscapes we often don’t have access to the feelings we need to make a better life for ourselves. In fact much of our positive emotions are considered to be toxic. Joy can be scary, happiness dangerous. hope deceitful. What happens to our inner landscapes when nothing every changes? Nothing gets better? When everyone around us is stuck and we are trapped along with them? Trying to get out, leave or take a step in different, new or upward direction can be terrifying. It can feel like any form of movement might kills us.

Obviously this might not be you. I totally get that. What I am really asking is; Do you know where you are? If you were to draw a map of your life where do the monsters live? Are the gremlins inside your head allocated a reasonable amount of space to speak and if so where do they meet? Where does fear live in your everyday life? What brings you joy? What make you happy? Where do you find peace? What are you seeking to experience and where do you think you will find it? If you were in perfect flow where would you flow too with and inbetween? It’s time to open up your emotional landscape and take the next best step you can even if that just means reading the map for a little while. It’s nice to get some options of where you would like to go. Remember when the scary places on the map seemed like the most exciting?

This article was written to accompany the Trauma Wise Circle

Process, Uncategorized

Radical Acceptance Circle

Well I need some Radical Acceptance right now it’s abotu 1 am in the morning and I’m tryign to ine up a years worth of email sending in order to buy time to do a MRes in Human Geography. Like seriously I feel like I am gaslighting myself as to whether this process and line of action is even possible at this poitn of the game. Bar 1 essay thus far everything I’ve submitted has been late. yet I am still doing the best I can and forging on, failing hard. Yet here I am writing my future. At least we can see where my priorities lie. It certianly isn’t in impressing a whole bunch of university professors, though it would be rather lovely to pass.

Anyways I have got somewhat of a dirty little secret to share. I’ve been running a circle and I haven’t told you about it. Mainly because it was started in service of a select group of doulas. Now it would appear that this time has come to open it up to everybody. So if you would like to join a circle of people every Monday and Friday that are deeply into some radical acceptance you are more than welcome to join us to cry, wail, keen, scream and well whatever you would like really. I’d love to tell you all about, However I working on a ‘manuscript’ and I would hate to spoil the surprise. When I’m ready to add a pre-order button on the finished product I’ll be sure to let you know. 2020 was tough and if we are truly honest it looks like 2021 is going to get a bit tougher. Click through to sign-up for the Radical Acceptance Circle it runs on a donation basis though there is absolutly no obligation to donate. You are free to join us however whenever. It’s all about the Wellbeing Economy you know.

I’m in the process of setting up and integrated trauma wise community, which you can access through my Healing Humans Facebook Group Please be aware that once in this group you might be exposed to some rather mindbending information, after all exapanding conscioussness is and extensive part of the job of a healer. So yeah see you on the flip side or say hello to Janice my higher-self, she’s great, much wiser than I am.

If you have enjoyed reading this article you can donate here or check out my shop for services.

Process, Uncategorized

Trauma Bomb

Well I’m sure somewhere in my badly executed media strategy I had a concept of all the issues that might revolve around the idea of Feral. My new Systemic Healing Circle for anybody that actually gives a shit about current world affairs. Where I was going to outline very intelligently all the ways in which the Feral concept came into being. About wildness, re-wilding, where in the meantime some of us (aka me) never managed to get fully sytemised in the first place. Like a feral cat that didn’t get exactly what they wanted out of system, that was supposedly designed to support them I was all and am still all too ready to tear the dysfunctional system apart if it didn’t serve me perfectly.

First of all this kind of approach and attitude to the system is highly indicative of personal trauma and second of all why the fuck is everyone else so compliant? There are more questions too that include: Is it just me? Why can’t you just get along? Accompanied by deeper musings… if the system doesn’t serve everybody does it serve anybody? You see that is the challenge with systems (speaking as somebody that just spent a week of her life scheduling emails for the year) they don’t work for everybody. As human components of the system when we meet people that don’t fit into our agenda, the trajectory of an organisation or the guiding principles of society we tend to ignore, overlook, dimiss, silence, reject, remove, exile and even kill the people that don’t agree. Fucking scary right? Why do we do that? Because its uncomfortable, inconvenient, disruptive, time consuming, difficult and ultimately embarassing to admit that we don’t have all the answers, nor are we capable of delivering all the solutions. That the rules, the law and ‘our’ procedures don’t work for everybody. That actually the system denies our humanity by denying many of the humans that belong to it. And you know what? We do this mainly all in the name of progress.

As I am sure that I have written this multiple times the micro informs the macro. The challenges that we have globally are relational. That the system rejects the interpersonal as significant and engrains, neglect, abuse and trauma into systemic relations. This is why I often tend to talk about the anti-human system. There is so much programming that fuels these kind of behaviours it’s hard to accept that for the most part we are contributing to the toxic systems that keep people at best stuck and at worst traumatised. The real trick is figuring out where we are perpetuting harm in a toxic system. And more than this where we are silently complicit. This week (tonight in fact) I start the Feral Systemic Healing Circle, which morphed and developed from a few approches that included the idea of a group called Complicit Anonoymous (that never got off the ground). The premis of Complicit Anonymous was that most of us with any ____________ (insert applicable word here) know that we cause harm and are contributing to societal collapse, the 6th mass extinction and climate change. Most of us are all operating in systems that largely refuse to ancknowldege the ways in which they cause harm. From the single mother that won’t receive a wellfare check to the petrochemical dependency of most companies and yet we choose to carry on buisness as usual. Where there are so many things to stand up for so many injustices to fight against it’s fucking exhasuting. Yet we carry these burdens as we too remain trapped in the cycle of perpetuating economic growth and maintain economic power by controlling resources, such as land access. Yet at the same time impacting basic resources such as air. The consumptive behaviour of the money classes and developed countries are having dire consequencies of the air quality of the systemically abused and ‘developing’ economies. Yet we carry on. Of course I am as guit as the next person. The challege is that all these behaviour are interconnected and intersectional as we try to build a way out of the Systemic Trauma Bomb that we have created.

Why is this artilce called Trauma Bomb I often write about how the personal informs the planetary. Last week I witnessed and experieinced what I can only be describe as a trauma bomb. It’s where two or more emotional triggers and thus unresolved trauma meets and blows up. It was an interpersonal relational masterpiece of destruction that threw most of if not all of my work schedule totally of schedule. It would have been great to ignore it. It would have been great to deny that my unrecognised trauma, the previously unseen shadow had anything to do with it, ignore the other persons issue and of course bythly carry on. That wasn’t possible. No matter how bad the circumstances. How dire the consequences of an emotional outburst, explosion or trauma bomb is we have to take the time to work with the trauma, acknowledge the pain and find new strategies. Nobody, not even a trauma doula is going to get it right all of the time, especially when we are working with our shadows, the things that we can’t see. You see shadow work gets complicated when we start to understand collective shadow work or even just the shadow of the companies organisations we work for or even run. You see what are the trauma bombs of thes organisations, companies and structures when their shadows meet. I think we are seeing these play out perfectly in the USA right now. Where corporate media fails to take repsonsibily for promoting and endorising very traumatised man and encouraging all his traumatised followers while denying the legitmacy of Black Lives Matter. Racism is systemic trauma. Yet the USA seems to be living a polarity of full scale systemic trauma denial that is engrained into most of it’s insitutions. Why won’t Mike Pence get rid of Trump?

That’s why my spelling is wobbly, I’m not trying to hide that I am dyslexic. I’m actively exposing my shadow. Why do I say I’m traumatised frequently? So it liberates you to say it too. Trauma is the real pandemic. In a society built on privilige, competion and capitalism Letting everyone know where all the gremlins are puts me at a major disadvantage. I’m absolutely fucking certain that numerous people have judged me for the quality of my output. Indeed totally bypassed it. I thank you. Language and presentation even though I have forgetten to mention it numerable times in my writing is a key componant of Systemic Trauma. Saying you could do better? If you just paid a bit more attention to your work? or the killer “Can you speak english please?” The answer to that question is no I can’t. Are you listening properly? Are you paying attention? Can you see where your biases, your prejudice and your biggotory yet? If I waited until I met your standards I would never have gotten started and indeed the terror of being judged for my seeming laziness or lack of attention has prevented me from flourishing far sooner in life. So yes here we are all complit in a toxic system, looking for a way out we can’t buy. If you are looking for solutions it’s time to sign-up to Feral Systemic Healing Circle.

This articel is the first in a year long series acompanying Feral Systemic Healing Circle

Process, Uncategorized

Feral

I’m fairly confident that I have not written about this before. I’ve got no idea why, given that its’ been burning though my brain as an idea ever since forever ago. Like alot of the ideas I have. Anyways I’m really excited about this one. Let me say this very clearly, I am feral. I don’t belong in the system and my natural environment has been destroyed and well it’s left me somewaht untameable. That might be how you youd describe me if I was an animal, and then of course I am. Human’s are animals, we certainly seem to follow our worst impulses a lot of the time (that will be the trauma). And yes most of live very far outside the confines of our natural envirnoment, most of us don’t even have access to a natural water source these days, especially if we live in cities. We are forced to drink chlorine for our own good.

You see I got a bit pissed of with all these re-wilding wild women posts, projects and groups that seemed to need a matching head dress to go with you mass produced slave labour arm bands in order to feel free. What true wild human have you met that has a warddrobe of accesories that are weather essentials? Anyways I should probably stay quiet here. My bad attitude hardwire is being to shine through after a rather intesne week. That’s my problem that is why I might describe my self as feral. I don’t fit into the system, in fact it terrifies me that so many people do. I’m literally lost as to how people keep together such a distinct and fuck-up socital lie. Except of course for paychecks. That’s how. Would anybody like to talk abour corruption? We are courrupt. Remember you can’t eat money? Universal enslavement has been a thing for a while now. As I’m sure any Marx theorist will tell you. So yeah I called bullshit on the system a long time ago. I didnt’ like it going in and I’ve broken the heels of all the pretty shoes I have doing the best I can to stay out. In fact I’ve nearly destroyed myself to be non-complict in the system’s anti-human ways. So yes fuck the system. Fuck the system hard.

It’s not very productive though is it? So I’ll internalise capitalism and keep on writing. So if you are disruptor an interested in Personal Activism and Systemic Healing you can sign up to join the Feral Systemic Healing Circle which convenes on or around every new moon of 2021.

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