Process, Uncategorized

Generational Questions for a New Age.

Wow I just realised Generationl = Gene Rational

I have to admit that when I set out this heading I was more focused on a climate emergency, than a global pandemic or indeed the continuing questions of decolonisation that systemic trauma is always posing.

Yes WTF? I was taking a very privileged stance as they might say. My privilege affords me the right to take a ‘wider view’ to consider the big questions. Do you know why? Because I don’t live my life in abject terror on most days. Fight, flight does stuff to your brain. It’s called trauma.

Yet at the same time, I’m still interested in root cause, you see. The root cause is trauma and trauma in my experience is largely systemic. For me trauma is the question of our generation. That is why I’m always talking about it. It affects everything and my hashtags might teach you.

The earth is not the issue, a global pandemic is not the issue, nor is race. It’s the way that we relate to each other and the world at large that needs to change. It’s why I am interested in the oppressor. I’m interested in a deep examination of self. How to use that personal power to fall out of the system, redirect my attention and create the new.

Systemic oppression is complicated if you are witnessing it through the lens of trauma. We’ve been taught to believe that feelings don’t matter. That only objective facts matter. Except objective facts aren’t human or humane. This is an inherited tool of oppression. It’s been passed down through the generations. It’s one of many. If we don’t care how people feel we don’t care about people.

It’s for that reason that the killing of George Floyd is so powerful it’s an objective fact that he was murdered on film by an organisation that is intended to protect him. We can’t argue with it. It’s truth. Yet at the same time, we aren’t taking the same heed of what ‘isn’t’ happening in the UK, Israel, The Yemen, Brazil or even South Africa. Our social media is biased, or news platforms limited. We are all bound up in systems of oppression. We are all oppressed. That is what the powers that be don’t want you to know. It’s divide and rule all the way.

We need to come together to debase systemic abuse on all fronts, on all levels, in all nations. That until we take control of our own trauma it’s almost impossible to take care of the people we need to help most. I’m ready to be torn down in flames over this. Fuck like really. Decolonisation work is scary. The reason that it is scary is because there is so much trauma involved.  You say the wrong thing you hit a nerve and a whole situation explodes. I’ve been there. I’ve been there plenty and still, I need to learn more so I have to ask more questions. Read more books and wonder what is actually going on. Really it’s trauma. The questions that we need to ask is how is our trauma preventing us from acting?

In recent months I have come to a conclusion, even though I’m writing now, even though I am centralising myself and even though I don’t understand everything and I will never get it all right. Oppressors need to be quiet. Unless of course, we are speaking to oppressors about oppression. We need to be able to hold space for the oppressed. We need to do some deep listening if anything is going to change.

The challenge that we face is that we seem to think that emotions aren’t’ real. That rage isn’t justified. Everybody’s rage is justified and it’s the result of not being heard. Black Lives Matter.

Process, Uncategorized

Relational Healing

In our modern world, the light of the moon and the feeling that we share can be obscured by light pollution, sometimes we need to leave our environment to find out what is truly guiding us.

Isn’t this the reason that we are all fucked up in the first place? Yeah probably. We are going to have to go a few hashtags deep before we seriously move beyond this. And yes relationships fuck you up. Here’s the real fucker if you ask any serious guru or even a friendly yogi they’ll tell you that they may well be the very reason why we exist at all. We are the universe experiencing itself. I am you, you are me and we together mirror each other. If I’m pissing you off it’s actually all about what you have or have not mastered in yourself. Yes, that. I know it’s annoying. No matter how your spin we are all being forcibly sucked into relationships, even if it’s with the slugs in your own personal hermit cave. #justsaying. Not much we can do about it unless your planning for a big exit.

So how do we heal relationships? That depends on the relationship? Yet at the same time, it largely depends on you and the inner dialogue you are touting. We treat people the way that we have been treated. The science is clear. We perpetuate what we don’t heal. Many of us grew up in a family of dysfunction. As adults, it is by no means an excuse to set up camp and live there. We all have choices in this life. We all get to chose how to treat people and more than this we get to chose how we get treated.

I have struggled most of my life, specifically in romantic relationships because it’s really hard to break what has been modelled to us. More then this it’s hard to break the beliefs systems you’ve been born into. What I have learned in the last twelves months is that in the west martyrdom is a paradigm we’ve been idolising for a few millennia now and it’s not working out for us. That we need to be patient, kind, noble. That in no way should we find our Kali-esk offering of the dark side or get deep down and dirty with our inner Darth Vader. What if you want to be the villain. You see these are the polarities that we live with, we are too kind, then we have to claw back out self-respect through some vengeful tactics, that we might even particularly like like Blue Tiffany boxes containing shit. Anyways I think you get what I am saying. This life is a never-ending commitment to stop your inner shit storm spilling out on to the outer realms and into the streets or into other peoples lives. The only way to create relational healing is to heal the way we relate to ourselves and cut out anybody that treats us less than that. They say we can’t heal in the places that broke us. Yet we have to be willing to break to learn something new. You have got to change your approach, change your attitude as see that we are all broken in our own special and unique ways. That we have to add love to the hurt especially when it comes to our own wounds before we go picking at anybody else’s.

Process, Uncategorized

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Are you feeling upside down and a little prickly?

It actually is all about you. Relational healing is primarily about the relationship that you have with yourself and no matter how good you think it is, it can always get better. It’s at this point I think it’s important to tell you that I just opened a tin of anchovies and started eating them in bed. You see I’m not here to preach with you about how your relationship should or in fact be. Cause if you are doing it for show it is almost certainly time to dig deeper. There is no need to be flashing your green juice and your yoni egg round here unless of course you really think you are that toxic? If you are, you are welcome here.

You see I’m not here to write about the meeting of the divne femine and sacred masculine in some deep holy union. I’m here to talk about the occurance of a trauma bonded personal hell. They’re a bit different aren’t they? One is all orgasmic bliss and the other is all orgasmic hell, as we go from one adreanline fueled fuck up to the next. I ain’t going to paint up all nice and make out that the stuff that I deal with even in my own interpersonal realtionships – particulary with myself aren’t excrutiating. We all have a bit of the devil in us no matter how hard we have worked or how blank minded we aspire to be at 10 am on a idyl Tuesday. It’s all fucked up and did I mention we are in a global pandemic? Stuck indoors with the same people; all the time?

Yet some of us are entirely physically alone in this and struggling hard. Our inner demons are scratching us from the inside. Even as a well seasoned trauma tucker I’ve felt my anxiety peak, fragility surface and have felt both cracked and chipped over the last few days. There has also been a new moon of epic proportions. That seems to be amplifying the galatic rays of purification and purging. If you haven’t been wailing into your pillow lately are you even Earthly?

So seriously if you are manging to hold together any kind of relationship at all, you truly are in top form right now. You got to give yourself some slack, grab your favourite junk food. Turn off the digital chat and go inward. I spent three hours praying today (that is neither aspirational nor normal). Cause well, I needed to switch off the conversation I’ve been having with myself for the the last 5 days. Sometimes you have just got to douse yourself with intention and hope the essential oils don’t catch on fire. It’s time to meet yourself in the mire. Shoulder the responsibilty of blame and find a way to move forward with the interpersonal shit storm, that is basically fucking the planet. We are here to learn. Where would you find water if it wasn’t in the tap? We are thoroughly disconnected from our friendly host and some how we think divine union is achievable in this life time? To be fair it probably is, it’s just the starting point that’s truly fucked.



Process, Uncategorized

Emotional Healing

Running like fuck dropping the ball, falling flat on your face and then having a wee cry. That what my week has been like. How about yours? never mind feeling a little overconfident, to begin with. Humility, that where I need to begin. In other news the sun is shining in Scotland?


I wish I had better news for you. That you could heal your self and your trauma without feeling anything, It’s just not possible unless of course, you are talking about the physical pain and even that is a little tricky. I have believed that emotional healing is at the centre of all physical healing. That our bodies react and even responds to how we feel. That our bodies are constantly and continually responding to emotional information.

We need to pay attention to how we feel or can’t ignore it or it won’t be long until we are in the myre. Like seriously. I know that there is a lot of talk about plant medicines these days and alternative therapies. Really all they are is guiding you on a journey back to yourself to visit your core wounds see where the hurt lies and get you to sit with yourself for a minute. It’s a lot of what I do too. When all you have to do is sit down and talk to me. Imagine that. What you will discover is that you are actually making time to have a conversation with yourself. When was the last time you did that?

You don’t have to believe in some secret kind of woo that somebody just discovered from some archaic branch of ancient knowledge. All you have to do it sit down and speak. Speak the language of your soul and realise whatever has been vexing or stealing you out into the world. It’s wild huh? This is the world that I know. Holding space talking, tea, chat and conversation or in Scotland we call a wee blether. A wee blether and even a long blether offers us the opportunity to fix just about everything. To get it all out in the open in a safe space. Where it’s all about you. Where there is no reciprocity required and you can just be heard, find space to feel and even cry. Sometimes rage. I don’t mind the raging and in fact, it’s important that we are able to feel into those spaces of anguish and desire. That we don’t drink run or dance them away. That we own them and then realise we can bear them like new life that we can carry their weigh, love and care and find ourselves there. I know it all sounds very hippie and trite and maybe even a little bit shite, yet it is true. What more could we want from this world other than to be witnessed and heard and at the very least by ourselves? Have you learned to lick your wounds and love yourself in the dark spaces beyond what you have already known? Have you swam in the abyss? I know, I have lived there for years of my life. If I could find a comfy sofa I’d probably sit down. You see we enter the inner scape and make it real with our own metaphors. that is how we tell our stories, that is how we heal, for Churchill it was the black dog for me it’s the abyss and for others, it’s the dark side of the moon. It’s the pushing beyond and just like that… self-realisation happens.

Process, Uncategorized

Emotional Labour as a Priority

The Red Tent Doulas Community know all about emotional labour.

All is not right with the world. The media is gaslighting us along with most governments. The conspiracy theorist are going at it too, it’s all a hoax, to keep us compliant as the reptilian forces continue to clutch at control. I believe you. I’m convinced and it’s exhausting. In the past I fought everything, from NHS cuts to the bombing of Gaza all in the name of doing what is right. Holding back the storm of shit that is destroying humanity and the planet. I have exhausted myself trying to be right and do right. Expecting sane responses in an insane world. I’ve learned over the years that there is not much use in fighting things. I’m far more interested in building things.

That healing ourselves and the connections we have are the key to community and planetary recovery.

I’ve drilled right down into the centre of my need for equality, justice and found that there is everything right with this aspiration. That I as humans we should all be entitled to it. That we have to create it for ourselves. That healing ourselves and the connections we have are the keys to community and planetary recovery. That unless I create it for myself there is no way to share it. That if I wanted to create equality and justice in this world my emotional state has to be at the very centre of that balance. I need to be stable to create stability, to create safety. The micro informs the macro. Our healing is central to the maintenance of humanity.

We create what we focus on. I live my life differently to most people. I prioritise my emotional over just about everything else. My feelings matter because they are the compass of my soul. My soul doesn’t work on clockwork. At best it can be timed by the moon and it cycles and the flow of my womb and all worst of other magic that has been whole scaled denied for the convenience of control. That what makes us safe is not necessarily comfortable and there is always pain in growth. We have to push, lean, relax and even expand into pain to learn it’s lessons and this takes time, the kind of time that you can’t set your watch by. All my effort as a human has to be put into creating the new by clearing out the old. One emotional disturbance at a time that needs to be felt into.

That vision is ensuring that I am continually committed to doing the personal work and emotional labour to ensure that I am in alignment. So that I am always able to have the conversations that have been denied us. So that we can hold circle and protect the balance of our centres.

Process, Uncategorized

Trauma Healing

Trauma can leave you standing on the edge.

We are all fucking traumatised, have been traumatised and there is just no way round that. Life happens we get told shit by our primary 2 teacher and it sticks with us for life. Unless you’ve been working at the challenge or have a remarkably put together family,  you are more than likely quite fucked up and even if you aren’t that’s probably traumatising on its own. Guess what nobody can ‘fix’ it except you.

You literally have to be the change that you want to see in the world and commit to it if you ever hope to make any significant difference in how you feel. It is still ok to be radically flawsome in all of that too.

Trauma is real and many of us are dealing with its impacts every single day. For a long time, maybe a decade I’ve known that trauma lies at the centre of almost every life disruption. That we are living in societies and systems that spend most of there time gaslighting us then act surprised about trauma. All Trump and Boris are doing is making it very clear that both our governmental systems and our leaders are very unwell. You’d be insane to heed either of them. Yet here we are having conversations about bleach and staying alert hopefully to stories about drinking bleach. We are living in extreme times in every way. There are nearly 35,000 dead in the UK and the government keep telling us they are doing a good job. Did I mention the gaslighting?  If we were in a personal relationship like the one we have with the state, we would have all been institutionalised years ago. There is a reason why the Scots are known to be aggressive. We don’t like being lied to.

This is really just the tip of the iceberg as to a whole host of things that have been de-humanising us over time. A baby is born and your back at work after 3 months. Bereavement is treated as an inconvenience rather than a personal tragedy. Cardboard boxes are deemed an appropriate disposal method for a human life.

Work-life to has now been radically altered, maybe never to be the same again as people move away from the traditional job and god forbid the idea of the commute (Cause that was healthy). Interdependence seems to be the word of the year. As the anti-human agenda of the, capitalist system truly begins to sink in. Capitalism is a crock of shit that is designed to keep us stuck on the hamster wheel of hell for all eternity. Where is the life in that?

Beyond this and natural disasters, humans can be truly ghastly to one another. Religious wars, Colonialism, Capitalism, Genocide and then there’s just day to day murder and torture. Never mind the minor issue of global poverty and inequality that drive the whole negative cycle. People feel shit they do shit things in desperate attempt to go to better places or something as simple as safety. It’s remarkable that in the times that we are living in that adrenalin fatigue is a real illness and we aren’t even running away from lions. We are simply working so hard that we aren’t able to look after ourselves. That even with all our improvements, we are burning out trying to keep up with an unreasonable system that treats us as human-robot there to fuel production and profits.

Off the factory floor, the impacts are massive; breaking down families, breaking down tribes, polluting communities and driving us to social and planetary emergency. As a species, we have been through a lot. In the last century, we have developed technologies that are capable of bringing armageddon in the haze of perpetual war.

All of this stops when we begin to take control of our trauma. Hurt people hurt people. We need to heal our hurts rather than inflicting them externally. It’s all about truth and reconciliation.

Check out my email free series on brain trauma

Here’s Gabor Maté talking about trauma.

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Brain Trauma

Brain Trauma is in full flow right now, with the Covid 19 lockdown still in place. Right now Occupation Intelligence looks a lot like staying at home, if you can.

I’m so pleased I put this forward as the subject for today. It’s been exactly what I have been thinking about all this morning, so far. Where’s you head at? Where’s Your Head At?

Brain Trauma, impacts our perceptions, our choices and our responses. It’s very real even if you can’t see it. Last year my friend invited me on a Responsive Leadership course with A2B Transformation. Being a qualified Master Coach I didnt’ think I was going to learn anything. I was so board of coaches & healers trying to sell me things. my friend. I could spend the next 20 years of my life consistently studying and I might never get there (where? right?). That you just need to do that one more course. Luckily I am beginning to realise that that is now all part of the healing journey.

With reluctance, I went. I knew it was the universe knocking. Divine intervention (it happens once in a while) and it turned out to cause a paradigm shift that changed the trajectory of my business and life.

What I learned is immense as I literally had my brain blown open to the true impacts childhood experiences on brain development and neurological trauma. I’m not talking about brain injuries in the physical sense. I’m talking about about the development of neural pathways in the brain caused by either physical or emotional trauma.

Stepping into a deeper understanding of the brain enlightened me as to my own behaviours way beyond what I thought was possible in any academic process. Please bear in mind that this goes beyond personality typing.  A2B Transformation have come up with a process called Hardwires that allows you to identify your own neural pathways and how they are negatively impacting you. As well as if you are are right, left or whole-brain dominant.

The course was also designed in such a way that you are also able to build new neural pathways very quickly. I can honestly say that after a weekend on that course my brain has never felt better and as a result of that intervention and interaction. Ever since I learned about brain trauma I no longer suffer from blind overthinking and overwhelm. They are no longer a source of anxiety for me. It’s changed everything in my life and my understanding of what I thought was the self entirely.

If you want to find out more about my own insights into the wiring my brain you can sign up  To a series of essays I wrote here.

Below is a video of from A2B Transformation talking about brain development.

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The Self & The System

Look at my frizzy hair. It makes me think of Hermoine. Yes, this hair is brushed. Yes, this hair is frizzy as a result. Systemic Trauma comes in all forms and hair is very much central to that. Self Healing is difficult.

I’ve been pootling about my social media, doing my best to make it structured and coherent. This weeks theme is self and as I was navigating my own anxiety when this blog title popped up as a theme to explore. I was obsessing over my social media numbers, post insights and website stats.

I got thinking about the pretty ones and that fact that there is no way round it. The prettier ones get more action. Then I thought I’m lucky I’ve got a good face. Even if I don’t do my best to maximise on its ability to perform. Then I realised what a weird unfair advantage to have. That it is indeed an unfair advantage. Now I’ll be clear I’ve been using my social media to promote my anti-aesthetic as a way to question the system. It’s a political stance. Then I had to think about it, the advantages of having a symmetrical face. It’s biological programming that takes us way back beyond the history of humans and made me consider Jordan B Peterson and his take on hierarchical structures that are inherited via genetics. That the system goes far beyond the trauma of consciously choosing. The System is deeply subconscious programming that is embedded in our DNA, not just our thought systems. Scientific or non-scientific.

We exist within structures that are bedded in our very genetics, that goes beyond infrastructure, accepted practices and even our very DNA. Social Media and particularly Instagram perpetuate as the system that has led me here. Writing. That on a very deep level. I am the system. I am genetically biased as to who I choose to share my sex life with. I’m biased as to how my trauma plays out in society and that even as much as I like and want to deconstruct myself. That there are some things I have yet to break down in myself. That I am the system no matter what. Even if I might want to reject it. That accepting myself as am; there are some things within myself that I am unable to change. That these might be the definitive lines of separation consciousness.

That then makes me question on a what is the self? Where do our choices of individuation play out in the development of character or even the curatorship of an Instagram profile?  That’s a very funny thing to learn about ourselves. That we have inherited the systems we operate in and I wonder where that leads us at this current crossroads of humanity. Who am I? Who are you and what have we inherited? More and more this seems to be the conversations that I have been left with… the conversation that we couldn’t have with the people nearest us. The trauma we have inherited. In fact, in many ways this is how my long-form conversations came about. That I have been resolving all the messiness of the world. Starting with conversations about our parents. Those things that we can’t resolve around them that we have to console to resolve in ourselves in our choices. What I see more and more, what drew me to the Systemic Trauma work that I do is it is unlocking the inherited and see what is not our responsibility. We did not cause apartheid, white privilege, capitalism or even eco-anxiety we inherited it. It’s not ours and we don’t have to carry it. All we have to know is that we can put it down.

We have to put the burdens down to move beyond the system.





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Self Healing

I went outside this week. Self Healing is about the journey inwards.

Are we still on hashtags? Didn’t we kind of do this one before…? Yes, kind of it was all about me and my journey. This time around it’s all about you… Self-Fucking healing. It’s a trip. If you’ve figured out your triggers at this point you are already well on the road to somewhere better. What makes you angry? What makes you furious? What makes you explosive (if you are there you have got to wait for the next post, that’s all about #traumahealing) We all carry hurts, we all are hurt and we have all hurt somebody intentionally or not. Every so often I wonder who might be in therapy about me. Then I think yikes. Wow, I’ve really fucked up some people. Ex’s being some of them. I suspect that I might be a recovering narcissist and that’s well pretty difficult to get round. When I was a teenager I was pretty selfish, worse than that I was mean. Yet I was struggling, being a teenager is hard. Like super hard and if you asked most adults if they would go back to being that age again they would run for the hills.

Self-healing is hard it’s all about acknowledging that there is personal work to do. That your outer world reflects your inner world and that there are spaces in and of yourself where you have to dig deep to align. Wellness has become the new boom business where it’s no longer about aerobics and yoga it’s about the inner work. That mystical place that you’ve never been to called you. Of course, diet, sleep, exercise and water consumption all have their roles to play and you can find a coach for just about anything these days. Yet at the same time, love & light seems to do a great job of just sweeping a lot of deeply traumatic stuff under the carpet. I can tell you right now that it is traumatic to be alive in the 21st century, even though everything is getting better. There has never been a better time to be alive. Living standards and life expectancy are on the up. Yet at the same time, we are in the midst of a climate emergency (I wrote this before Covid 19). What I firmly believe is that self-healing is at the very core of planetary healing. That if we even have a chance of turning things around we need to look to our own behaviours and attitudes to see what we can improve personally. Stop the trauma transference that is what I say.  Of course, we can get onto zero waste living and even right into to militant veganism but seriously if you’re doing those things filled in with resentment and even rage where are you going with that? The polarity of approaches to climate change is a reflection of the human emotional landscape as much as anything. The wanton destruction of our rainforests has got everything to do with the psychopathic disconnection experiences by our planetary oligarchs as it has got to do with governmental policy. Heal the human and let the love grow.

Please sign up to my website if you want to learn more about The Free Buffett a course I’m developing.


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The Self & The Way To Ascension.

Safe and protective communities are key to personal growth.

What if I told you that Jesus grew up in a loving stable family and the Buddha had to run away from his very rich parents to find himself and Mohammad only got a visitation from an Angel once he was 40.

Why is all or any of this relevant? Because I have been thinking about unconditional love, the self, spiritual practice and even martyrdom. That these days, although the unconditional love doctrine may well be on the back foot from self-love; service, is still very much part of the prescription for spiritual growth. Yet it doesn’t take into account that many of the spiritual masters started off their human life with a certain kind of privilege or indeed took a little longer to place their feet on the spiritual path.

Advanced teachings of unconditional love are almost impossible to achieve without the support of a loving family or community unit. This concept came to me after reading the teachings of the Virgin Mary for the perspective of the Violet Flame. This idea was then confirmed (not scientifically) through a conversation on reincarnation with a friend of mine who is a Krishna Monk,  while we discussed reincarnation. That as we ascend through the human life experience via multiple lives we don’t go back to level zero every time we tap out at the end. That maybe if we do a lot of work we might reincarnate in a highly evolved spiritual family where we are raised to reach our fullest spiritual potential.

That may be Martyrdom, Sainthood and Ascension are some very serious stepping stones on the divine comedies path to ending our own suffering. Even the beautification process of how people arrive at sainthood embody a very deep honouring of the human life lived. Last week I wrote in The Birthing Process about the relationship between love and respect. That we must hold our own value beyond the monetary.

This realisation has let me ponder more deeply the role of community in individual healing, after all the human is hardwired for connection. In the case of trauma victims, connection can be re-traumatising. This reflection draws me towards the principles of the 12 steps and the structure within which Anonymous or 12 Step Meetings are run. They rely wholly on radical self-reliance of the group. The support and care of the community no matter how disparate has to come from within the community. That even in community we all have to be responsible for our own care, even if it is just turning up.  The is no bailout option. That even if your whole life is in disarray you can be part of an organisation that is dedicated to supporting without offering up the damage of re-traumatisation.

A digital guru that starts chatting about unconditional love,  before having asked what the fuck has happened to you? (Check out Gabor Mate) Is setting impossible standards by which we all fail.  Which is something I touch on in Prioritising Self  and Fluidity

Isn’t it great to know Quan Yin – is still waiting for the whole world to become enlighted?