Process, Uncategorized

I’m Traumatised

There is nothing quite like a confessional to get everybodies ears to prick up. In fact my attachment to the idea of being traumatised was only this week pointed out to me as being trauma bonded to trauma. I can totally take that on. The things (and there are many) that we tell ourselves in order to justify, defend and deny our position. If we argue for our limitation they undoubtedly become ours and yet at the same time, your limitations  all depend on how we view trauma. Whether it is a blessing or a curse. I consider trauma to be an immense gift along with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

It has certainly given me some remarkable insights and character traits. The ability to hold deep compassion as well as deep listening.

It takes me back to a time many years ago when I used to scoff at the idea of depression. I couldn’t understand what it meant to have depression and why that might prevent you from functioning in the world. What was there to be sad about? Of course at this point in time I was in very deep denial of my own trauma. When I look at it now my very own brand of bad attitude. I was going solo. I literally had no friends. Didn’t see the point of them and was truly hooked on a consumptive experience of life. Yet the hole I was trying to fill was vapid. As I clung to co-dependent relationships and the healthiest relationship that I had was with the teddy bear I had had since I was eight.

I knew nothing about codependency, trauma bonding. Though someone I had once worked with had incessantly banged on about the book Women That Love to Much. It didn’t apply to a young women with Catholic upbringing. Love was unconditional. To love someone was to embrace the destructive force that they may or may not have in your  life as a dedication and embodiment of christian values. Romantic relationship and marriage were to be taken on as a form of spiritual battlefield where your needs never get met by an addicted and emotionally unavailable partner who’s only real interest in you was sexual.

Yes these were the subconscious beliefs that I was carrying around with me. That I was embodying in my choices. That my needs were inconsequential in the unrelenting service of love. Love was entirely sacrificial. Love endured abuse, betrayal, abandonment, shaming and silencing. This was the love I knew. Twenty years on my love programming although highly illuminated is still very much confused by the idea that my needs might be met. That I can ask for help, be heard and have someone respond appropriately. That the love I receive is not conditional on me servicing somebody else’s needs.

That I can talk about trauma. That trauma can be related to my relationship with other people and I don’t have to apologise for that. That it’s uncomfortable to talk about abuse. That abuse results in trauma. That it’s a dialogue that we should all be aware of. That we all live in an anti-human system. We are all being abused, gaslight, undermined and controlled one way or another. For the most part it is adversely impacting us and if not us directly, those who are disproportionately impacted by the disparity of the system. Yes Black Live Matter, yes systemic racism exists. You see if you don’t feel oppressed. You are probably an oppressor. So I am traumatised and yes I have transferred my trauma. Does that make it easier for you too examine?

Process, Uncategorized

Enrichment

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Way back in the day all the beautiful stones in the world were apparently magically discovered only in river beds and were there waiting to be plucked out for us to enjoy. Now most of our gem stones come from deep underground and are laboriously mined and forced to the surface. I’m not saying one method is better than the other. Both methods involved some kind of work; getting wet and the other one digging deep.

As you’re lying, gasping for air, exhausted with your life, you are probably wondering what I’m asking of you? And if you have the capacity to continue. Well it’s a cop out. Only you know that. What I can say is that if you are very close to drowning or in the darkest of places there is treasure where you are. Next, you think I’m going to say “time heals everything”. No not really, however distance does. Why else would we end up on these strange cumbersome adventures. The thing is living in despair, which is a lot different to depression (though I doubt you’re going to find a super chipper desperado). It’s like going into an underground pub only to come out and be blinded by the light. To be desperate is to have teetered on the edge of hopelessness. If you’re lying on your back floating in the abyss right now wondering why you haven’t drowned, that the sharks haven’t eaten you, yet, and more than a little fucked off that they haven’t. Then I am probably the right guru for you (please bear in mind I don’t actually profess to know anything). I’m not talking about things going wrong for a day or a week or a year I’m about things going wrong for decades. Fucking decades and well if you have been there and every day is a struggle, a god damn war. Life is pointless it has no meaning.

That’s from your perspective. Perspective is the only thing that you have to change and given that you’ve probably physically experienced going round corners there’s a good chance that changing perspective is possible for you.

That sounds fucking patronising; that if you can walk round corners you can change your life? And well maybe it is. Seriously though maybe you are standing too close to the wall that you want to push through. There are many ways to overcome obstacles and if you want to break down a wall you have to be aware of the things that you might need. Just like breaking down a door you might want to take a step back in order to gain velocity and create force. Alternatively, you might want to build up speed to climb it. Or maybe with enough overview you might see a door out or a window through or even the edge or something.

We are all going to die anyway? Yes we are? And yes in this age we as humans seem to engage with existential crisis with a certain amount of vigour it’s entirely possible to wonder at the point of it all?

Embracing your insignificance is a bountiful step on the path back to the road that you are suppose to be on. What the actual fuck!? Just think about it a bit more. We are all invisible anyway why not use your super power for good.

So keep floating in the abyss. Don’t accidentally wake up dead and I’ll see you in the next installment.