What the fuck are they? I hear you cry. If you’ve made it to this blog and I am very pleased you have, you are probably wondering what exactly do I mean bu support systems? Is that it I have a really good mechanic? Sometimes the hairdresser lets me cry and doesn’t ask any questions..? If I could go to bed every night cuddling a bottle of red wine and gave it a name would that make me actually mad? If you dedication to ‘medicinal substances’ are the deepest and sincerest relationships I know. Then this is probably a blog post for you.
You are supposed to have real humans in your life, as both a source of reassurance and comfort. You are supposed to have humans in your life that nurture you. Now, this is where being human in 2020 gets scary, I know very well from my own personal experience that this is more often than not, not the case. Though I do remain ever hopeful and as I continue on my journey through life I see ever-increasing examples of functional family units out there. I know who would have thunk it? However, being me and having my own history I fully understand and appreciate the toxic and dysfunctional nature of many family units. Where most members are fighting to get their needs met at best. At worst family life can be a toxic shit storm of violence, verbal abuse and emotional castration. Love feels like gaslighting, confusion reigns and functionality can feel like a distant fantasy reserved for the strange bastion of children’s stories.
I kid you not I met Cinderella once and she worked in a boxing club. What does that tell you? That the handsome prince didn’t save her? Her feminist friends hadn’t found her? One day I do hope that, that particular fairytale has a happy ending. The last I heard she had stolen cash from the reception and never been seen again. You see we are all only ever one bad move away from destitution. That only a good friend or reliable family member might prevent us from slipping there. Yet so many of us are forced to put our mental health and emotional wellbeing at risk when we either have to visit, live with or even ask for help from our families.
Personally, it has taken me years to understand the full impact that my family have on my emotional wellbeing. As well as the deepest understanding of both theire dysfunction and toxicity. Also the deeper physiological impacts of growing up in an unpredictable and chaotic environment where adrenaline addictions and trauma bonded formed relationship status quo and home environment. Is it any wonder your on edge, anxious and triggered?
So I’m going to give it to you straight. The way that you know if you have a good support system is that they consistently make you feel good. They say nice things about you. They value your input, are supportive of your dreams and do their best to encourage you most of the time. No one person is perfect or can fulfill all of your needs. You need a team of people who are able to share the laid of your wellbeing and maintenance and this should be reciprocal. That means that you should be concerned about other peoples well being. Be able to consistently say nice things. You are not going to get it right every single time you will make mistakes as will you friends. You get to decide how much you value your relationship and the work that you are willing to put in to maintain a support system. To build trust you need to six good, positive, trust-building experiences to one trust-breaking experience. It really is that simple. There is a science to everything. It’s called a secure attachment.
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