I’m on a writing roll and just finished the previous blog post about me as a ‘Changemaker’. That ended with me questioning how deliberate am I being. Once again as I write this very deliberately in messy, unorganised and detached ways. Doing my best output me at the centre of my world and very clearly dishonouring others and my promises in the process. Fuck!!! The emotional labour is real. The ideologies of success can feel toxic.
Recently I have been called to look at The Four Agreements again and as great as they are right now I am being shit at them. Which doesn’t bode well for my Trauma-Informed business or even supposed attitude or approach? My Emotional Labour right now feels highly intensive as the demand for my skills seems to be ever-increasing. I wonder how well I am actually skilling up. How well I am holding myself in this accelerated process of deepening. As I sit here anxiously typing away trying to fast forward in order to buy myself time. I feel like I keep on sliding off the treadmill, wobbling off the board as I begin to understand the much deeper responsibility of occupying the space of Change Maker. Where I think at this point I might even want to say honour keeper (OMG it sounds so lame, geeky and real). How about I just managed that? How about I just did what I said I was going to do? What I feel I can achieve? Who I feel I can be responsible too? The things I say I think I can get too. There is soooo much juggling and dropping. I can’t even reference, edit and maintain my website blog well. Let’s be clear here the blog is as much about honouring my own emotional process as it is about projecting my ideas out into the world. Even this I am struggling with and I can’t keep up with my own brain. My own process, my own space of personal self-expression, which has nothing to do with generating change and everything to do with generating personal stability. These are very different things or are they?
You see stability is the change that I seek to make for myself and indeed other. Even in this toxic fast-paced environment that is hurtling towards disaster. I want the stillness, the openness, the expansiveness of self-knowledge and assurity and yet here I am barely tending to my own innermost needs. Being mildly driven by the passing need to make money. Yes the system still occupies me from time to time. Right now in this moment each article. Blog posts and even presence seem to sprout branches; one more thing to write about. One more nuance to understand, One more deepening understanding of language. Maybe it has all been said before. So who am I typing against the clock for. Maybe radical self-expression is as much as we can do to acknowledge the ever-changing within us. As we process the inevitable change that is happening around us. What is our sole purpose here on Earth to witness the inevitable change as it occurs here on as part of the multiple layered and deeply interconnected process of being alive on planet Earth as part of a far greater and expansive cosmic system?
You see people watching? Regardless of how long we sit still everything changes anyway. In the meantime I must brush my hair and get ready for dinner and think about what respectability is with regards to honouring one’s self.
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